The magical wonders of a liquid lunch

Ahhh, that time-honoured tradition of  Liquid Lunch.

A magical thing to indulge in on a work day. Wondrous, even. Nay, 'tis verily the BEST thing a civilised human can do! This is what separates us from the animals ... as if animals even could think of such a magnificent bastard of an idea ...

For anyone who isn't clear on the concept, Liquid Lunch goes thusly: the 'idea person' of the group (usually me) invites one or more of The Usual Suspects out to enjoy "a drink" at lunch. This rapidly de-evolves and degenerates into more than one drink. Multiple drinks, in fact. Soon, much more fun than sense ensues.

Often, actual lunch (food) is eschewed. Because any actual chewing would detract from the rapid and guilt-ridden joy of just guzzling down some smart cocktails (or wine, or beer) on a sunny patio ... with like-minded individuals. Eatin's cheatin', after all ...

Here in Wellington, this time of the year is even more wondrous (if that's possible), as the hot summer weather rolls on in with the Xmas season. So establishing yourselves on a sun-drenched café patio, ordering alarming amounts of alcoholic beverages (and consuming same at alarming speed) is a party.

P.J. O'Rourke defined a "party" as a thing to be doing (having fun and getting wrecked) when you should otherwise be beavering away at something responsible.

Like work.

And when your two choices for the day are (a) Boring and stupid old work, or (b) having a fantastic time with your suave and charming friends, swilling down delicious alcoholic beverages in a smart and sophisticated manner on a sunny café patio ... come on.

Now the trick is to determine what type of Liquid Lunch you should indulge in.

There are three kinds of Liquid Lunches.

(1) – The Insidiously planned Liquid Lunch, where the entire afternoon has been booked off from work in advance. 

With this plan, friends amass on aforementioned sunny patios, safe in the knowledge that the next time you need to be at your desk and making sense is tomorrow (hours away!) ... and participants start knocking back the hootch with carefree abandon. Despite there being no pressure to actually return to work on that day, the twinge of a guilty feeling persists ... that you should be doing something responsible (work, Xmas shopping, picking up partner, attending a funeral, etc).

If you can somehow maintain your position on the café patio (and your upright position in your chair) this all-afternoon swill-up can continue until well past sunset. Then things get interesting ...

Will you charge on out to other clubs and pubs? Will there be wild dancing or karaoke in your immediate future? Will you purchase booze to take home and continue the onslaught?

The night is your oyster!

(2) – The Quick'n'dirty, 'let's see how fast we can knock them back and then get back to work!' Liquid Lunch.

Here, friends amass as above ... only no one has booked the afternoon off.

So now it's a race.

And, this is the true test your mettle: how many drinks can you consume without become appallingly and noticeably drunk? This is a fine line that is quite often surpassed, to disastrous consequences.

Staggering back in to your office with clothing disheveled, reeking of booze, giggling and smashing into things (and vastly overcompensating to try and cover it all up) is not good.

The goal here is to get somewhat tipsy, keep your clothing intact, eat a few breath mints, and soldier through the rest of the afternoon without giving away your tipsy-ness.

(3) The Impromptu lunch that has spun out of control, gone well past 2 hours, and everyone is shit-faced, and now must call in to work feigning a sudden illness or doctor's appointment.


This one is the MOST fun! Because, while a party is always fun, a surprise/impromptu one is about 1,000 times MORE fun.

Now you have a group of amassed funsters getting well sozzled, and realising that going back to the office now would be crazy, stupid, senseless, potentially career-limiting ... but most importantly, a lot less fun.

So the panicked phone calls to respective offices begin ... the group attempts to stop laughing and grinning and sound serious, and not too drunk ... bosses and managers are alerted ... can't make it back, nuclear war has broken out on the streets. Or zombies.

Once the duplicitous and deceptive phone calls have been made, the REAL fun begins. Lurid, illegal, immoral, tricksy fun! It's a full-on party now, because you KNOW you should have been back at your desk ages ago (sober and actually working).

One of the best parts of the lurid liquid lunch is, if you're still at it well into the afternoon, at some point you are going to sit back and realise you are The King (or Queen) of your Realm, and all that you survey ... just think, all those bored rubes and losers lashed to their office chairs, working on such a day.

And here you are on a fantastic sunny patio snorkeling down way too much alcohol ... feeling fine ... LOOKING great ... damn, in fact, you are DEAD SEXY!

Hey, let's start thinking about where we can go for some wild dancing and karaoke!