Ch-ch-ch-Changes

A genie gives you one wish ...
And you can't wish for more wishes. And the wish is specific to a category –  "You get one thing to change about yourself".

What would you change?

There is the realm of realism, of course. Perhaps straighter teeth, becoming more fit, achieving higher self-confidence?

But what if the genie said "Defying physics is OK too." Little kids (and comic book nerds) would of course wish for some sort of super power. Adults may as well ... and then there is the idea of altering something about yourself that would otherwise be pretty improbable to change without loads of painful surgery.

Like being taller ... or shorter.

I recently got the chance to experiment with the idea of changing my height – as a follow-on from my most recent surgery, the amputation of the lower part of my left leg (to match the missing part of my right leg).

At some point after the most recent operation, as I was mulling things over in hospital, it occurred to me that I was now easily "height adjustable".

I could get taller. Or shorter. Without much trouble at all.

All it would take would be some quick adjustments on the part of the fine folks at the Wellington Limb Centre who devise my prosthetics.

Now – at 6'7" (or as we better know it, 5'19"), getting taller would be pretty ludicrous. But the idea of shrinking a bit suddenly began to intrigue me.

Don't get me wrong. I've always loved who I am – and being 6'7" has been more than just an accepted part of me. The advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.

However – there is the odd day I'd like to go out in public and not be noticed for being being that tall. Sometimes when shopping for pants, the style choices can be a bit limiting. And not every doorway is at the architectural standard of 6'8". (In particular, in houses here in Wellington built at the turn of the 20th century by midget Englishmen, they're often not even close).

These aren't huge aspects to my life that I'd go out of my way to change. But now that it's easy to change such a thing ...

Here's the rumpus.

I was awaiting a phone call from my man Ray at the Limb Centre, for my first inspection to see if I was ready to be fitted with my new leg. I was going to bring up the "can I be a bit shorter?" idea when I got there, but suddenly Ray called – and one of the first things he said was "How do you feel about getting a bit shorter?"

I had to laugh. Ray of course was coming at this idea from a safety angle – specifically, the concept of reducing the risk of me toppling over, orbiting and landing in a far less stylish fashion than the Mr Curious rover that just set down on Mars.

As I learned in hospital, things change rather dramatically when you lose your second leg via amputation ... for starters, getting around just on crutches in the beginning means exerting upwards of 400% more energy than any two-legged person would expend just casually moving about.

And the idea of having two fake legs means that also having a really high centre of gravity is a lot more risky than say Peter Dinklage of Game of Thrones fame suddenly.

And so, after yesterday's appointment with Ray, I'm now 6'5". A full 2" shorter than I've been since I hit my full height around the age of 14 or 15.

I don't have my new left leg yet (that's a couple of weeks away). But I of course noticed a distinct difference in how high I was off the ground as I crutched around a bit after the shrinking session.

I'll post an update when I do get my new leg and start beasting around on it ... along with, of course, all the absurd things that will no doubt ensue as I encounter what life will now be like as a slighter shorter fellow.

But I won't be changing the title of this Blog. I like the ring it has ... but if you must, you can now think of it as Prince changing his name to (unpronounceable symbol), or, 5'17". And I won't be altering the data on my passport until I go to change it when it expires.

The Games began ... are now over ... and some were just painfully unwatchable
Ah, the Olympics. This year (2012) the Summer Games were more of an interest to me than perhaps ever before. This might be because I've been sitting at home in front of my gigantic TV watching them a lot more than I ever have.

And this year I had two countries to cheer for. New Zealand far and away outclassed and out-won more Gold than Canada, for some reason ... in the conventional sense (the Kiwis won 6, Canada just 1). But also in the "per capita" sense, New Zealand really blew Canada away. This tiny country of just over 4 million people took my homeland of just shy of 35 million people to school. Bigtime. (This begs the question, WTF, Canada? But we may never know what, or why ...)

In fact, using the per capita measuring equation, New Zealand was 4th on the overall list of countries (behind Granada at #1, the Bahamas at #2, and Jamaica at #3) – outclassing the USA, China, and most other nations. This wee country of friendly, fun, can-do people really does punch well above its weight on the international sporting stage.

I found myself way more interested in heretofore never-watched sports like women's field hockey (holy shit, especially the Kiwi and Dutch teams ... the fit, mesmerizing women are just absolutely stunningly gorgeous!) I of course also enjoyed watched incredibly fit women play volleyball (beach of course, but also, indoor), as well as the ripping-fit ladies competing in the Heptathlon (something about excelling in many sports tends to really firm up womens' bodies to the point where the best ones have six-packs and absolutely NO fat whatsoever). Naturally, sports featuring hot, fit women in bathing suits are also fun to watch, too.

The "marquee" sports like the men's 100-metre dash is of course compelling. And I also really got into watching rowing, canoeing, and the other variations of propelling craft on water – both women and men.

I determined a main feature of a sport necessary for me to like it (apart from featuring fit, gorgeous women) was the length of time, and the amount of excitement/contact involved.

Sports or games I found virtually unwatchable included marathons (running and ... swimming? ...), the 50 KM speed-walking event (come on, really? This was just flat-out ridiculous. How did this become an event?) There were others ...

Judo and even Tae Kwondo in the Olympics is just PC-homogenised and sanitised to the point of WTF-ness. Judo was just two people in pajamas pushing each other and sweating a lot. Tae Kwondo did involve kicking, but not punching ... but it was just an elaborate 3D video game, what with the sensors involved to score kicks. After watching a fair bit of UFC/MMA combat shows on TV, where actual fighting happens ... the Olympics versions of these sports is just *yawn*.

Weight lifting is simply not watchable. Nor are extended sessions of sailing races. And while I liked the actual medal-winning parts of a lot of the sports, the lengthy heats and qualifying rounds for some of them were ... really not interesting. Note to the IOC: let's settle the "who gets to compete for medals" part BEFORE the actual Games, hmmm-kay?

Watching heat after heat of 3 really good competitors being trailed pathetically by 5 or 6 miles-behind also-rans is just not necessary. And it's incredibly boring to watch. And I'm sure, embarassing for the schmucks in the boats just bobbing around way, way behind the actual real world-class athletes.

I enjoy looking at the synchro-swimming girls just as they march out in their swimsuits. But the allure stops there ... and there are a bunch of skills events like shooting and archery that don't lend themselves to viewing (perhaps if they included goalies!) and the traditional ones like javelin, discus and hammer – while impressive for how far people can hurl things – are just not meant to be watched. We can hear about these after the fact and be just as "wow"ed.

All of these unwatchable ones are of course best learned about after the fact – if your team wins something, you can do a brief fist-pump and think "Yeah!" If you don't have a horse in any of those races, well ... *yawn*.

And speaking of horses, I am not a fan of any of the equine events either. I'm sure there is some level of talent in training horses to dance, prance and leap like that. But I don't need to watch it. Nice hats, though.

And yet, as much as I enjoyed the sports unique to the Olympics, I know I won't be thinking about these sports again ... for at least 4 more years.

My final note to the IOC ... I understand the quest to pad out the Games to let in more interesting and potentially watchable stuff. But you really need to look hard at what's already there.

Cut out some of these really lame so-called 'sports' altogether. And streamline the heat/qualifying process for other ones so we're not sitting through agonising, interminable sessions of humiliated also-rans before medals are even considered.

The Games could easily be 10 days, not 17.