Bits 'n bites

Random neuron firings
It's the Saturday before Xmas and I'm home chillin', listening to some tunes (new and old). It occurred to me there may have been a few absurdities (if not atrocities!) I missed mentioning this year.

So I'll list a few here as I drink coffee (and then wine), and groove to the tunes. (Currently playing: Drive By Truckers, Oddities & Rarities).

Tough enough yet?
How long do folks need to stand in the torture chamber and take the beatings and whippings and general abuse? Some may say: "Wow that proves you're tough!" Not many would, though.  Far more people would opine: "What the fuck is wrong with you, you toolbag?"

There are a few people in my orbit who seem to think that being buried under a ton of snow and sub-zero temps – for 6 months of the year – means you're smarter, tougher and more elite than anyone else (yes, I see you, family and friends in Canada...)

To quote Austin Powers in Goldmember: "How about NO, you crazy Dutch bastards!?"

It's a ridiculous climate to live in. You're not impressing anyone. It only makes us laugh harder.

Claims of: "But it's beautiful!" aren't fooling anyone. You stand inside your house and take photos of the snow piling up and whipping around. Then you send said photos on to me (and other sensible people living in places with a tolerable climate) and say: "See! See how nice it is!"

Well – you're not OUT in it. You're inside your house, safe and warm, NOT dressed in the 6 layers of clothing you'd need to survive outside, and NOT enduring the actual frozen brutality. Which is precisely what I'm doing, in my house – well,  I'm looking at your photos (same view you have), but that's as far as "sameness" goes.

When I'm done looking, I can get up and stroll outside in my shorts and a t-shirt and gaze out at the magnificent view I have ... feed the parrots or admire all the other birds flapping around ... work on my tan ... or I could mosey on down to a seaside patio and have some drinks outdoors ... or I could go for a bike ride.

Whereas you – can either stand there like a cretin, staring at snow falling for hours, in your safe warm house ... or you go sit on a couch and drink and try some serious self-affirmation that this is a good way to live.

So what's so good about where I am?
Good question! But first a preamble: not long ago I had a good chat with my pal Mike in Toronto. We were trying to think of the 'perfect' place on the planet to live. The necessary provisos:

• Had to be 1st World (so that jobs, modern health care, sanitation and decent food were readily at hand)
• Obviously not war-torn
• No place where a new language (total lack of English) was necessary to master, to get along easily 
• Good climate (no regular, expected dips below 10º C, or above 27º C – so not Canada/Russia [any place north of the 49th parallel], anything close to the equator, or Aussie*)
• No regularly anticipated natural disasters (monsoons, hurricanes, tornadoes, snowstorms)
• No crazy, bloodthirsty-based political or religious systems, where the country was either regularly in imminent danger of being attacked (eg: Middle East), or, regularly went out into the world and made a nuisance and menace of itself (clearly the USA and its oil-driven 'world police' antics)
• Relatively stable economy (this eliminates much of Europe, and South and Central America, sadly)

*(Australia's out for two reasons: they're the opposite of Canada for temperature extremes, with Oct – April being 30º + (and often into the 40s). Any country with a climate featuring temperatures that force you indoors for heat OR cooling to survive is no good. And Aussie has a serious fresh water issue. 

Canada's summers are problematic – in the places where it's tolerable to live (say Halifax in the east, or Vancouver on the west coast), the summer temps don't last long enough. You're lucky if you get two months of good weather. Anywhere else in Canada where the culture and fun could make the cut (Montreal, Toronto) it gets heinously humid and hot. And there's nowhere else in Canada worth living).

It turns out there is no one place that covers all the bases, due to the #1 concern: climate. To be truly happy, we'd have to be well-off enough with our incomes to live in two places, minimum.

So, where are these two places?

Number one: New Zealand, from the months between October – April. Specifically Wellington, or the Hawkes Bay area. Wellington has the edge for more employment potential.

Number two: This is a tough one. Geographically, San Francisco would be good. But it's the USA, and the whole 'world police' thing (and being a big terrorist magnet because of that) eliminates that idea. Spain, Greece or Italy would be good, but the wobbly economy takes them out of play. South Africa? Still a bit dicey due to politics/racism issues. Japan? Crowded, and the language issue.

We thought perhaps Austria or Germany could work for the Northern Hemisphere summer months – strong economies being key there. The language issue might be a bit of a struggle, but, English is relatively common with the newer generation. Norway or Sweden were also considered, but Sweden's heavy taxation is a deal-breaker. So, it's down to either Norway, Germany or Austria from May – September.

(Now playing: The 101ers, Joe Strummer's band before The Clash. Earthy, gritty, raw, energetic.).

So I'm set for perfect living conditions from October – April, here in Wellington. The other half of the year isn't terrible under any category though: it's never annoyingly cold, but certainly it's not as nice as spring-summer-early fall here. It's a minor thing to endure. Yep, we get earthquakes. But not all the time. The really big destructive ones don't happen much at all, and modern architecture in the big cities means we can take a pretty serious pounding before massive death and destruction ensues. 

If all things were perfect, I'd make enough money to make Austria or Norway my home for the May – September period.  

But as things stand now, Wellington is the most perfect spot to live for me. There's nothing that raises a cause for concern – like hideous long-term climate for half the year, stupid politics, racism or religious issue, or other countries that want to kill us – that makes it bad in any way.

The fun increases at exponential rates 
There hasn't been a day in the last couple of weeks where I wasn't out having fun with friends in pubs around town.

NZers (at least, Wellingtonians – we won't get in to the grim scenario of what's involved with being an Aucklander) go out a lot, most times of the year. I leave work any day of the week and stroll to one of any number of bars within a 10-minute walk from my office, and they're pretty full from 5 pm onwards. Not just Fridays – I'm talking any day of the week. This is one of the first features about New Zealand that struck me as fantastic ... no one goes out midweek in Canada or the USA. It's a wonder how bars and pubs can survive there, when their only 'big' nights are Friday and Saturday.

Now it's Xmas – and the folks are really mobbing up the pubs. Many people are already on their holidays; others (like me) don't seem to care that we're drinking on a 'school night'. There isn't much work being done in most offices around town, this close to Xmas. And fun, of course, is always more crucial.

(Now playing: John Cale, a best-of compilation: Seducing The Door).

Last night we decided to spread the drinking wealth around, with a trip to The Hop Garden, one of the first craft beer pubs in town to spring up. It's not a usual haunt, as it's just off the beaten path where all the other places are so close together ... a whole extra two minutes on the bus.

The place was buzzing, groups of friends congregating (and a few office parties) were well under way from 5 pm. A brief stop into Hashigo Zake just before this (leaving work at 4.30 is a fun option!) found some people who'd been up to their "works' party"shenanigans  from about noon onwards. Perma-grins and loud-talking abounded, with a lot of daylight still to go.

There is something daring, and cheekily fun about being blitzed in the middle of an afternoon ... that would otherwise be a normal, stodgy work day – especially considering places like Canada and the USA don't get these opportunities. North America just doesn't seem to 'get' this fun culture thing we have going here (as does Aussie, and the UK, and Germany, and France, and ... well you get the idea. Loosen up, America and Canada!)

We work hard most of the year, and just getting a few days off over Xmas and New Years is NOT 'just reward'. Neither is only having two weeks of annual leave.

Most gigs here give workers two weeks off over Xmas. And the days leading up to the holidays will often feature gatherings like this – afternoons off for the sanctioned office party, or half-days taken off by us, the proletariat, from our wonderful FOUR WEEKS OF ANNUAL LEAVE that everyone gets here, standard.

There is a lot to be said for fun, and the freedom and opportunity to have it. It makes for happy worker-bees, and those of us who are cogs in a bigger machine.

(Now playing: Baroness, The Red Album – heavier rock).

Assholes do vex us
Now, in the Seriously, WTF? department ... following on from the heinous shootings of children and adults at a school in the USA last week, we now have deranged, broken, savage sub-humans calling in similar shooting threats to other schools. And of course every threat has to be taken seriously ... but then of course there is the overkill (pardon the irony) aspect of the over-reaction in some places. My friend Amy in Michigan reported that some schools were not only taking the threat of another possible murderous rampage by some monster seriously ... they included the ludicrous possibility of the Mayan 'end of the world' as possible too.

Hell, why not add the potential for zombies, or an attack from a bunch of mean outer space aliens, or Godzilla suddenly turning up to wreak havoc?

How do jackwagons consistently manage to end up in charge of making any kind of important decision?

And then of course there's the NRA in the US, piping up, in a much-anticipated statement that many hoped would be something sensible from this bunch of penis-extension nuts (sorry, gun advocates).

Ha ha.

Central to the NRA's big statement about how to fix things were:
(1) Legislate it so all schools become gun-free zones [of course, maniacal murderous sub-humans will obey laws!] ... and, place trained armed guards in all schools. Yeah, nice up-front display demonstrating it's all fallen apart, and the only way to deal with things is have people ready to blow away other people who might show up to blow away the kids and teachers. Hey, make it simpler: how about these armed guards all wear shirts that say: "We don't have ANY idea what we're doing"! and;
(2) Much of the problem with whackos who take up guns and embark on crazy slay-fests is due to violent video games. Yeah, and once we legislate these awful video games from being made, we can concentrate on dealing with the millions of people who are out wantonly fucking in public, because they watch porn.

(Now playing: Bobby Womack, a best-of compilation. One of the smoothest soul-men of the 60s and 70s).

Now I'm going to eat something, and settle in to watch Taken 2, starring Liam Neeson. Then, can someone call the authorities and have me locked up? Because after seeing this movie, I'm clearly going to snap, then run out and kidnap a bunch of innocent people, shoot and kill some more, and run around screaming and behaving in a decidedly 2-dimensional drug-and-violence fuelled criminal fashion.

Yours in absurdity,

What do rebels do if they ever win?

Beery thoughts
After yet another night wobbling about in a couple of Wellington's newest "craft beer" pubs, I got to wondering this morning – what happens if your Big Rebellious Movement suddenly wins, there's no more of The Other Thing that was clearly shoddy and poorly made and a piece of shit, and maybe even bad for you, and hazardous to children and kittens?

You could take for example movie franchises like Star Wars. The rebels were constantly fighting the evil Empire and suddenly at the end of the last movie, they won. Then ... what? Non-stop parties with the fierce teddy bear people? Golden bikini contests with Leia and a bunch of other babes? Or perhaps ... boredom? Fighting "the good fight" was suddenly remembered as a lot more exciting, and fun. Now with all this peace and freedom ... what was there do to?

I'm talking specifically about this craft beer business. First of all, what exactly is this?

Well. In a nutshell, and thanks mostly in part to Prohibition, beer went from wonderfully and properly made elixers by true craftsmen who stuck to the four ingredients of beer  (Water, Hops, Yeast, and Fun ... oops I mean Malt) to being mostly non-existent during Prohibition.

When the Iron Curtain of No Fun was finally lifted, in stepped weasly business greaseballs like Adolph Coors and the Budweiser brewing company. They cranked out something that vaguely resembled beer, only their concoctions had a bunch of other chemicals in it – like Accelerators (so they could brew it faster) and Preservatives (so it would last longer in storage). And they made it a disconcerting yellow, and with an alarming low alcohol content.

Then they flooded the market with it. In stacks and droves. So even if the small yet dedicated craftsmen of yore could get their products made properly and out there, they were overshadowed and blown out of the water by ... this heinous piss-water.

Similarly in Canada, the Molson and Labatt people fronted up with the same mass-produced swill, flooded the market, and after a generation or two of sheepish Canadian drinkers 'liking it or lumping it', it sadly became the definition of what beer was.

And for many long decades, that was all there was available for the poor downtrodden yet misinformed beer drinker. Sure, a while after prohibition ended, you might be able to find some bizarrely labelled imports from places like Belgium and Czech and England, but they were a lot more expensive. They were made properly, but by now the tastebuds of Joe Beer Swiller were inured to the bland, same-as hideous taste of the mass produced swill. So the chances of people paying MORE for something that wasn't bland and yellow, and that shocked and awed their tastebuds was pretty slim.

Then along about the mid to late 80s, the west coast of the USA (and shortly after, Vancouver in Canada), a small miracle was a-brewing. Craft beer was coming back (aka "micro-brew" beer). It was being made and distributed in stores alongside the Big Mass Produced Swill. It was a bit more expensive ... but suddenly people with a bit more cash on hand were buying it. These were the sorts of people who would buy single-malt scotch instead of some cheap knock-off mixture of stuff like Cutty Sark. These were also the sorts of people who would buy decent wine, instead of the usual liquid-headache-in-a-bottle cheap plonk.

Then along came pubs attached to the micro-breweries – a logical expansion of the idea. If you make it, why not sell it right there, too? This made it fun and a bit pretentious and elite to be within such confines, drinking a beverage that was clearly better than Coors Lite or Bud or Miller (or Blue or Ex or Canadian). You could see the big brewing gear right there, and talk to the brewmaster. You were getting drunk in style.

Exponents of this newish 'craft beer' now had a cause celébre.  It wasn't a fight for all things right vs evil and badness, but it was a bit of a trendy struggle to try and get people who drank cheap swill to realise there were better things out there. But while they were wallowing in ignorance, you, you refined drinker of great beer, were awash in the excellence of how good beer could actually be.

It became a bit of a cause, and the activists started to fancy themselves rebels.

This is the sort of thing going on here in Wellington now. Wellington has become the leading edge of the movement to get better 'craft' beer out there and available for all to enjoy. There are loads of brewers now (in my 12 years here I've seen it go from one to maybe 20 or more). Is it good? Absolutely. Is it spendy? You bet.  For a bargain night of brain-cell incapacitating, you could rock in to a grocery store here and lay down $10 and get 12 cans or bottles of some bland swill (but with a 5% ABV rating!) that will get the job done.

But if you wanted to do it right, with a good-tasting ale or pilsener or lager or porter or stout – you would spend up and go "craft". And man it is good* – and you can find a type of beer to suit your own tastebuds. And lately, even some bizarre and experimental stuff.

*(Throughout my drinking life, the same cycle or pattern has emerged with every sort of liquor, beer or wine there is – the first type of anything I was given to drink in the early days was the bargain-basement, low-rent, ass-bucket version of the thing. This was obvious with beer, as all we had in the 70s was Molson or Labatt, or if we crossed the river to New York State, Budweiser or Miller or Coors. Then later in life, I get offered a proper version of the thing – in beer's case, it was some excellent microbrew in Vancouver. This has happened with scotch [bar-rail scotch vs single-malt], wine [cheap skanky 2-buck-chuck swill vs excellent varietal], rum [Bacardi's mass-produced gasoline atrocity, vs Appleton's] et al. So no matter what you drink at first, it's likely the shittiest version of that thing ... and if you're lucky, you will eventually get to try the properly-made version of that thing. And chances are, you will say: "Oh, holy SHIT, this is great. THIS is how it's supposed to taste!?" My biggest surprise with this process was tequila – who knew that the evil, benzine-tasting weed killer we all know and despise actually comes in some really excellently made versions? But I digress). 

And now most recently, with beer, the emphasis has been on hops. As in: "How many hops can we stuff into a brew to make it even more hoppy, for those who love hops and want more?"

The answer seems to be: there is no limit.

Now, in a bunch of new pubs here featuring nothing BUT craft beer (and at least one pub that makes its own beer on premises), this "Hops madness" is the new sub-rebellion that has splintered off from just the overall "umbrella" cause of craft beer. Now, it's not just: "It has to be craft". It's now: "It has to be so hoppy that all you can taste or breathe for the next day is hops".

Which is good if you like hops. And I do. (But I also enjoy a hearty dark porter or stout on a cooler day, and I enjoy a cheeky pilsener and even a cloudy wheat beer on a hot day). I'm an open-minded drinker (and this also applies to wine, scotch and rum, of notable and noteworthy quality).

But the underlying thing I've noticed is (here we finally get to the point) – the chatter that goes on in these pubs seems hyper-centred on just how amazingly good this all is. Hyper-centred to the point of that person who, for no reason, suddenly shouts out: "I'm NOT CRAZY!" , which of course affirms that, indeed, you are bat-shit insane ...

We gather with friends in these pubs (which is always fun) and everyone orders something different to try (an easy thing to accomplish, as pubs now have vast numbers of taps, due to all the craft beers available now), and forthwith begins the conversation: everyone asks every other person "What do you have? How is that one?" This goes on with the simultaneous undercurrent of "Wow those suckers out there paying good money for shitty [insert name of local mass produced beer here], what fools and poltroons!"

So I wondered – what if, in the not too distant future, we crafty drinkers suddenly win. One day, without warning, the mass-producers of 'swill' switch gears – and now they're turning out their own versions of "craft" beer. And it's good.

Now there's nothing left to mock, taunt and deride. It would be like *gasp* the Toronto Maple Leafs winning the cup.*

*(Do you see what I did there? There isn't even an NHL season this year, and so the Leafs aren't playing, but I STILL found a way to mock them! Also – the two scenarios would be equally impossible to happen.)

What would the legion of beer purists have left? They'd have to actually talk about things other than what astoundingly great beer it is they've chosen, and what rubes and hayseeds everyone else "out there" are for not doing so.

They'd just be beer drinking rebels without a cause.

Well it's just about beer-o'clock. I do believe I'll go have one of the new ones I just heard about ... "Hopcat", or "Double Trouble".

Reelin' in the Yuletide madness

Roll out the Yuletide barrel of fun!
Here we go again, funsters – my 53rd go at enabling a Yuletide season!

Well sure, I may only remember 50 of these, as not many of us recall the infant-to-age-3 times. OK make it 48 recollections. There were a couple of Xmases in the 90s where Santa may have brought me just a bit too many fun intoxicants ...

So here we go with Xmas 2012. And already the madness is rife! (That's of course IF we make it past this coming Friday, the 21st – if those madcap Mayans were right, we may not have to worry about last-minute shopping. Or, much of anything) ...

The tell-tale signs were upon us weeks ago 
There's something about this time of the year that really brings out the Freak Show Superstars. These are the people who don't normally go out in public from January - November. Now, they are suddenly out in droves – standing in stores/shops trying to figure out the whole "look for stuff you might want, buy it, get the hell out of the store" routine. Or standing in the DOORWAYS of said stores, blocking traffic, while they gaze around open-mouthed, trying to figure out which direction to take to continue the idea of going IN to or OUT of the store. Which is it again? Have I shopped?

Or they're standing at the cashier, trying to bamboozle the clerks into ... something ... I stood behind a woman (who clearly went out of her way to come in to the "big city" of Wellington to get her 'shop' on). All I wanted to do was pay for the shirt I had picked out not 30 seconds before (I don't spend heaps of times in stores "shopping" – I go in knowing what I want, and get exactly what I want – and then GTFO*. Time lapsed, maybe 2 minutes, tops. IF there are lots of people to step around).

*(Get the fuck out).

But I wasn't going to be 'getting the fuck out' anytime soon ... this woman had a pile of clothes strewn about the counter. She apparently had some coupons that were out of date. And a credit card that was also just as deceased. Also maybe some money. No one was certain ...

The conversation back and forth between the jackwagon customer and the cashier eventually led to the dead coupons being allowed (and good job on the cashier for allowing the dead coupons – that sped things up a lot, and deflected any potential yelling and screaming and further delays ... and really, who cares if the ducats were dead. They were alive once, and usable. Maybe this loopy woman was a time-traveler who though it was still December 2011) ...

More unintelligible, crazy jibbering from the woman ensued ... something senseless that no one could make heads or tails of.  Then – Salvation! The wily and savvy cashier got the woman to agree that if she put back 4 or 5 of the 10 things she had on the counter, she would have 5 things to take home, AND, a $17 surplus (a balance from the previously-defunct coupons) with which to buy something else. She was then encouraged to go shop some more. And wonder of wonders, she buggered off. And I was up next! A smooth transaction ensued, shirt was purchased, I put it on in the change room to wear out, and off I went to the party of the day ...

But I am getting ahead of myself, for this particular day. Just prior to shirt shopping, I'd gotten off a packed bus (half full of the sorts of people who had clearly never ridden on, or perhaps even known about, a bus before ... but I must admit there is some merriment involved with watching someone who finally "gets" they need to pay the driver, then they slowly saunter down looking for just the right seat ... and of course city bus drivers never wait for sauntering people. Drivers always jet off immediately, they have a route to maintain. And sauntering people are sent lunging for hand-holds with shocked looks on their faces ...)

I de-bussed, and two steps into the direction I wanted to go, I heard a commotion behind me. Some lady shouted "Stop! Give it back!", and I turned to see what was up – some scruffy nutbag had purse-snatched a lady, and a nano-second later, half a dozen other pedestrians had jumped on the guy and got her purse back ... and were in the process of forcing the guy onto the sidewalk, to wait for the cops. Quick work! A citizen's arrest in progress, and succeeding! For a moment I thought I'd wait to see if the guy managed to escape, and if he headed my way, I'd clothesline him and make him rethink this whole idea ... but no need. He had been subdued.

This was just one of the many examples of lunatic behaviour I regularly see around this time of the year. Loonies deciding to make a day of being loony in public, in stores and restaurants (do they pack a lunch, and do some stretching first? Are they well hydrated?) ... scumbags and losers out on the grift ... or newbies fresh off the farm, and now on the busses, trying to figure out how they work. (Seriously - adults over the age of 30 NOT knowing how a city bus works?)

So many parties, so little time
A really cool thing about this time of year is all the parties – office parties*, friends having shindigs, other sorts of organised get-togethers. And now, all of the craft-beer pubs are coming up with interesting ways to lure us funsters and beer swillers in.

* (Not MY office however. As a government operation, they of course panic at the needless or stupidly perceived things, while at the same time, ramble and wobble about in a heedless blur about stuff that actually matters. So this year's needless stupidity is: What if the media finds out about us having an Xmas bash funded by the bosses? Why, all hell will break loose! Dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA!) 

So there's fun afoot in all the spots around town that serve up food and drink. First, a quick mention about hotels or restaurants that don't really know what they're doing when it comes to serving people meals, or drinks ... after the purse-snatch and shirt-purchase incidents, I was off to meet my friend Alex. She'd invited me to her book club's Xmas party, in a hotel conference room.

Now the restaurant industry here in Wellington is pretty full-on. There are lots of places to eat, and every cuisine imaginable. (A recent study claims we have more eateries per capita than New York City, or San Francisco). And it's pretty self-regulating for bad food/service. Bad food or service always means you're going to fail, and spectacularly.

If you open up a place because you think "Gee wouldn't running a restaurant or bar be great fun!", this is NOT the first and only reason you should do so. Knowing something about the game, and, having experienced people in key positions like host/hostess, bartender, wait staff and cooks is pretty crucial.

This hotel for the book club party had none of these fundamental bases covered. We asked the bartender to start us individual tabs, and it was as if we'd ask her to quickly set up a Large Hadron Collider right there and then. Once seated in the conference room/eatery, similar confusion ensued amongst the wait staff regarding simple queries. And then of course the food was sub-standard. At least it wasn't pricey – and when we eventually got the wines and beers, they were of course good. Hard to screw those up.

A new hook the bars have figured out
There's nothing like being part of a fun new idea to augment free or low-cost drinking! And the pubs here have a new game in play – they invite one local brewer in to "take over" all the taps, and then the general rabble (me) are invited in to partake at less than usual prices (with of course free samples on offer for any you don't know about, or you pretend to not know about).

This is a fair bit of fun. I went to one last week for Epic beer (at the Malthouse), and tonight it's one at Bin 44* for Garage Project's lineup of high-octane ales and pilseners. Another fun place here (Hashigo Zake) features "New Release Tuesday" every week – as the name implies, something new from one of the local mad brewers will be on offer. Usually we get a freebie to start. Last night was no different; a weirdly concocted lager-type thing that involved being processed with truffles and who knows what all else, and it topped out close to 9% in strength. It was excellent. I of course had two. And possibly more.

*(Kudos to Bin 44 – this is a new drinkery, on the waterfront in what was previously just a café ... taken over by a fellow Canadian, a friendly east-coaster to boot! He wisely fronted up with a great lineup of local craft beer on tap [and in the fridge in bottles]. He also likes "da blues" and so the music's always good. And it's on the waterfront. So it's all good).

Tonight's a 'customer appreciation' session at Bin 44, featuring beers from Garage Project, the brewery located in my 'hood*. It will likely be no end of fun ... making Thursday at work a bit of a struggle. But it's all worth it, in the end.

* (Ooo! I just found out in the middle of writing this, that Garage Project (a brewery) is going to finally have a "Cellar Door", which is a winery term for having a room where drinks are served. This is a fancy way of calling it a small pub. Prior to this, all they did was make beer and distribute it to other pubs.
I have often mentioned this to the folks involved with the brewery when I see them at beer fests – why shouldn't a brewery be allowed to have a Cellar Door so you can wander in to "sample" their wares? And then sample more? And still, more? So it seems this WILL come to pass, early in 2013! Yay for me – as Garage Project is in the 'hood where I live).

As for all the other madness ...
I'm not going to give the toolbag who shot up the school in the US last week any more free advertising by naming him. But mention should be made to certain acts of heroism that came out of that. Lots of kids died, and adults, but a few teachers sprang into action (at the cost of their own lives) to hide kids and save some of their lives. Well done.

Now to fix the problem. Sadly, much like the blind rage that seems to fuel so many people in Middle Eastern countries – the sort of madness that binds them as True Believers to the cause of blowing shit up for their religion – many Americans have that same perceived "right" burnt and bred in the bone, about owning guns.

If the Obama administration tries to take away their guns (aka: penis extensions) there could well be civil war. Because these maniacs are True Believers.

And of course mental health care is non-existant in the US, unless your crazy AND rich AND want to get help. But few crazy people are, or do.

Lots of theories abound for how to fix it. Except you can't fix or legislate "broken" people – and that's exactly the sort of creature that does this, mass-shootings of helpless children. These people are fucked up from square one. Can't fix them, can't make a law that says "no guns for you, you crazy bastard!" Because – well, they're crazy.

And there's no 2nd Amendment reason to have one – because no 'Tyrant' has ever been overthrown since that Amendment was written.

And the few terrorists who have succeeded in attacking the US on its own soil did so because they were clever, organised professionals who outsmarted all the people in the CIA and FBI and NSA and the US military combined ... so no rag-tag band of overweight, uneducated, redneck rubes and hicks with guns would make any difference in a 9/11 situation, or during the previous attack on the World Trade Centre.

A sad score indeed.

So there's no telling what can be done. The current ease of being able to get a gun in the US, and the resulting heavily-armed American populace, is just a hell of a lot of stupid, incompetent people (and a fair number of complete lunatics) with no skill or control over using a firearm. Sadly, they THINK they're all  READY to use that firearm, because they can plink a tin can at 20 paces, and have seen all the episodes of "24". But how would all these bad-ass wanna-bes actually fare? 

The answer: Badly. 

There are only a few professional humans on earth who can use a gun properly (trained special forces military people). They are the ONLY ones – the ones who practice shooting daily, and work through possible combat scenarios, and who know all about anticipating situations ... and besides having the skills, fitness and education, they KNOW what damage weapons can do in a lunatic's hands ... or in just some damn pathetic, scared, zero-confidence fool's hands, who bought a gun "just because". 

But what if the Mayans are right?

Then the whole gun issue will be moot, and this will indeed be the last edition of 5'19". But you won't care. You'll be dead. Along with everyone else! 

I'll continue with my usual M.O. either way (which is: have fun). 

I'll have maximum fun on the 21st, and if what I suspect happens – nothing –  I wake up on the 22nd saying "ouch" to a sore head. 

And once again, some mis-translated fairy tale from long ago has proven to be wrong. Again.

Let's see what the rest of this Yule season has to offer in absurdities! I'll be off work and ON HOLIDAYS (instead of in hospital for a change!) and tooling around New Zealand with my Canadian friends Jo and Ian. I won't be back to work until Jan. 24. What a concept! Finally getting to enjoy my actual Annual Leave!

Peace, in absurdity