A robustly erratic week!

What a short, yet rapidly strange trip this week has been
Waking up most mornings, I roll over and turn affectionately to the sleek, sultry, purring thing next to me in bed – my Macbook Pro laptop – and proceed to fumble around like a teenager trying to unhook a bra for the first time, punching buttons and looking to see what might be new and interesting in the world.

I also go through my emails for the funny/lusty stuff I regularly get from my pal Don in (near) Toronto. But that's a whole other sordid story. It's the news (or what passes for news) that has been of note this past week. It's been a multi-faceted rumpus!

This past week has been ... interesting ... in the way that huge waves and voilent winds make ocean boat rides "interesting".

Give us back the Gold! 
Some medal winners at the Olympics had been caught doping and instantly disqualified, and forced to turn over their medals – thereby moving everyone else in the respective events' medal queue up a notch. New Zealand's own female shotput champ Valerie Adams jumped from Silver to Gold when the Gold winner (someone of questionable gender from Belorussia, with an unpronouncable name) made the drug testing meter go "ding ding ding!" And a few other folks got caught chem-cheating too.

So I quickly rubbed the sleep from my eyes and amended my ongoing 'chart' of Kiwi medal winners to reflect NZ athletes now had won SIX Golds (to Canada's ONE ... come on, Great White North, WTF?! You've been outclassed, outshone, and taken to school by a country that's 1/8th your population), and reposted said graphic to FacePlant for all to see and enjoy.

Absurdly, Adams seemingly got rattled prior to her turn at putt-ing for the (money) shot, when it was revealed some fuckwit in the NZ Olympic camp forgot to enter her name in the competition. Yeah, the one female athlete everyone here in NZ had been rabbiting on about for really having a massive chance of winning gold, and some dweeb in an office somewhere forgot to sort out her entry for the event? Think that person will ever work in a detail-oriented gig again? (Cue Tui advert: "Yeah, right!")

Then even more absurdly, a while later – when all of New Zealand was eager to see their 13 medal winning heroes show up back home for the massive celebration planned – Adams was not among the crew. She immediately buggered off from London to Sweden (!!!) where she regularly lives and trains (!!!) to compete in some other shot-put event.

Yes, really. I'm not kidding. There was another event looming large on the highly anticipated and much-bally-hoo'd world of shot-put events ... and really, you need to live in Sweden to train to huck an iron ball? New Zealand doesn't have the climate for such training? What's the missing ingredient? Absolut Vodka?

Come on, Valerie. Your country was cheering you on rabidly during the Olympics. They got behind you even when you only managed Silver. Then Kiwis lost their shit and really rallied 'round you when the cheat was exposed, and you got your justly-deserved Gold.

And then ... you couldn't flit back here for a few days to say "Thanks for all the support"? Or join your Olympic team-mates in a show of solidarity?

Try and imagine how much we all care about shot-put now.

Which of course begs the follow-up questions: other than the Olympics and the Commonwealth Games, why are there other shot-put events? How does anyone make money at promoting, or competing in, these arcane events anyway? Who ponies up enough sponsorship money for an athlete like Adams to train for 4 years leading up to an Olympics ... and what do they get back for their investment? The company name on the side of an iron shot? ... which can't be read at all, by anyone – even the shot-putters? This one eludes me.

And if a poll were to be taken, who in the WORLD would know there was another significant shot-put event so soon after the Olympics? Or even that there were even other shot-put events at all?

You'll take the mockery, and you'll LIKE it!
In a bit of a tangent from the Games being over, I stumbled onto the existence of a string of free Podcasts by American comedian Greg Proops. He has been cranking out regular weekly podcasts of his live gigs in bars and saloons and rumpus rooms around the world ... I've always liked Proops from the short bits I've seen of him on TV shows like Who's Line Is It Anyway?, Letterman and Conan (the first Conan shows, when he was on really late after Letterman, and also when he was new, edgy and actually funny).

Proops' podcasts are quite long – averaging out at well over an hour. He has a loyal legion of fans world-wide. He translates well to UK audiences – doesn't pander or wave his dick around like an arrogant uneducated fool, knows stuff about where he is, and learns more stuff from interacting with the audience (for an American comic, this is huge).

And he is prodigious. He's done tons of these gigs, it seems ... and as I started into them, I realised I had stumbled on the American version of another much-loved comedian, Eddie Izzard. The two are similar in that they're intelligent, well read, topical, have an expanded vocabulary, and are scintillatingly and cleverly scathing in their mockery of things that deserve to be mocked.

Proops dug in to the Olympics a fair bit over his 3-4 most recent 'casts, and in particular, spun out some really good stuff on the ponderous, questionable and bizarre job Danny Boyle did on the Opening Ceremonies. He also questioned the validity of certain sports within the game – as I also did in my last Blog. (*brushes my knuckles on my jacket, looks aloof and cool*)

And the man is screamingly funny. Given the length of each of these 'casts, he really gets to stretch out and show his chops. He has a sort of a template for his shows, but often gets lured off the plan, given absurd enough current events, or audience input. In a small way it is improv, but it's so much more. He has an agenda (a few actually) – to educate, enlighten, inform ... and of course, to rant and rage against complacency and 'idiocracy' (yes, just like the movie). He's an ardent feminist and regularly points out the world's indiscretions against women.

I have NO idea how he makes money on these shows – entrance to most of them are free for the live audience. And the Podcasts are free. I assume these are 'sparring matches' for him, keeping him fresh and alert and in the game for other projects. But man, what a treat. I can't get enough of them.

I've even interrupted my regular influx of downloaded TV shows and movies to listen to them in marathon stints.

A surprising suicide
I also awoke bleary-eyed one morning to learn that one of my favourite directors, Tony Scott, aced himself in grand style – with a plunge off a really high bridge in LA.

The jury's still out on why he may have done that ... and I'm hoping it's not another lame "I couldn't handle the success and fame" thing. I have no respect for anyone who does that ... Heath Ledger comes to mind. He just offed himself, leaving behind a family and people who gave a shit about him. He didn't have a fatal disease. He just decided he'd check out because the fame, fortune and adulation was too much. Fuck you, Ledger, you coward.

Tony Scott made some great movies and provided much entertainment. He was an action-driven counterpoint to his brother Ridley's more nuanced style (Ridley's my favourite director).

Still shaking my head about this one. Will we ever learn why Tony checked himself out? Stay tuned.

Crown jewels go viral
Yep, one of the UK's princes got caught having fun without clothes on ... and photographed, and of course, said pics were digitally warped around the world virally for all to see.

But in a surprising twist, young prince Harry was doing so with a nubile and attractive female. In Vegas. After also being filmed having drunken fun in a pool party with a bunch of like-minded funsters.

The horror! A young man with stacks of money and nothing but free time likes to have FUN! And have SEX! What is the world coming to?

Well all righty then! At least one of the Royals appears to be human. Go Harry. Considering all the embarrassing shenanigans from your father, the snootiness and aloofness of your granny, and the various sessions of ass-hattery from your other Royal relatives, who cares? This bit of news I liked.

Tour de Drugs
The week not even close to over, I awake once again to learn Lance Armstrong has given up his many-year battle to fight allegations he doped to win all 7 of his Tour de France events.

He's just thrown his hands in the air and said "Fuck it. Not gonna fight this any more".

Once again the jury's out on who's leading the charge on this, and just how they can 'prove' he used drugs in 7 annual events dating back to 1999. That's 13 years ago for the first one. Certainly there is only an extremely short launch window for testing for performance-enhancing drugs ... like say, 24-48 hours?

On one hand, this certainly seems like a witch hunt. But on the other hand, has someone – the USADA – finally had the balls (testicular cancer pun not intended) to pursue this properly?

We once again need to wait and see what happens – does the USADA have any sway or say in all of this? Or are they just being Attention Whores to get in the news?

Music writer and all-round witty guy Bob Lefsetz seems to think it's the former – that the USADA is the first agency to man up and say what's what.

Let's see what transpires.

A bad week for guys named Armstrong
Just back to add to this – to say Neil Armstrong has died.

First man on the moon and a real pioneer. I remember seeing the moon landing on TV as a 10 year old kid, and it completely captured my imagination. I went out and got models of the lunar landing, and collected the bubble gum cards. And I've been a space and sci-fi nut ever since – the other man who recently died who really sparked my imagination about all this was Ray Bradbury.

These men shall be missed.

e-Panhandling
The internet is a wondrous thing.

Besides all the stuff we've been used to doing with it for many years now (email, surfing for information, gaming, instant messaging, gambling, porn, running a business), now we have 'virtual' methods of sitting on a street corner with our hands out, begging for money.

This could be considered seeking out venture capital in an "e" way.

This could also be considered being lazy and looking for an easy way to get free money.

Here's the rumpus.

I have two friends who've looked to the 'net with the ultimate goal of using it as a tool for promoting and marketing a piece of their own artistic work – a book they have written.

Scenario 1
My mate can be called an established author, as she wrote and self-published (in printed version) her first novel 2-3 years ago. It was a wonderfully entertaining docu-drama about a place and a time in history, near and dear to her heart. She breathed real life and character into her heroine, the main character.

There were some self-promoting avenues available then, using the net, back in those days. Without spending much money (and without asking people for any money – she used her own), she did OK with this book – but of course did not instantly become a millionaire and a household name as an author.

She realised such things take hard work and time. You need to do the hard yards and get yourself established. Precious few get famous overnight and make fat stacks of cheddar ... and of the ones who do, their 'product' is often a flash in the pan, a fad that burns fast and bright and is just as quickly forgotten. (See: Rebecca Black's "Friday" atrocity).

She did look to her network of friends, acquaintances and business colleagues, as a method of both helping out if they felt compelled, when politely asked (with editing, proof reading and style suggestions) – and, as a way of "getting the word out". You know – "Hey, I've written a book, here's what it's about. Tell your family and friends!"

More recently, she launched into a second book. This novel was a departure in more ways than one – while the first effort was a historical drama, this new one was a modern horror/vampire tale. I haven't read it yet.

Once again, she self-published. Only this time, NOT with the idea of having a printed product ... she approached it completely from an e-book standpoint. She'd seen the studies and reports. People have been taking to the whole e-book idea rapidly, and in large numbers. So much so, that the printed-book business world (aka the "old school way of doing things") is starting to panic ...

And, realising the astounding number of ways you can self-promote now using the myriad social networking tools available on the 'net, she hunkered down and went to work – taking her finished product in hand, she got the e-book formatted and uploaded to a few different outlets (inexpensive ones like Smashwords, and established giants like Amazon and iTunes Bookstore). This of course costs a bit of money, but nothing like what it costs to go through an actual publishing house for printed books ... or even setting up a 'print on demand' thing like Amazon also offers. And certainly not $5 K in an iffy attempt at cashing in on some vague promises (more on this in Scenario 2).

They key here is the work she did herself. She gets up early every day (still does!) and goes to work – an oddly bootstrappy concept – and hammers websites dedicated to the book's genre (horror/vampires). She amasses reviewer names and has a Twitter, YouTube and Facebook account dedicated to promoting her book. She makes an e-nuisance of herself, but in a good way ... making a name for yourself with any artistic endeavour (be it writing, painting, film making, photography, etc) means going to work every day. And trying to make yourself known.

The 'net now allows us to do this. It's mostly free  – you do have to pay for a net connection and have a computer. It's really easy – you can do it in your pajamas, unshaven and unshowered, at home. You can sleep in and work nights.

But it's not automatic ... you have to go to work. You have to get up in the morning, and/or use all your free time, and focus on promoting yourself.

And now, there are also a number of (legit) websites that will help you – for lack of a better term – e-Panhandle. Yep, you can beg online for money.

Scenario 2
This part illustrates going entirely the 'e-Panhandling' route.

I first learned of these e-Panhandling promotional websites via a bounce from an article on Gizmodo, the site that features new and wondrous gizmos and tech toys. I subscribe to their emails, as often the gizmos are appealing. It's fun reading ... my dad used to get magazines like Popular Mechanics and Popular Science, and it was the same sort of thing. Fun articles on actual new gizmos, and some "what if" flights of fancy.

One day I read something on Gizmodo about a new iPhone case. This case seemed to be a hell of a good idea – shock and water-proof, not too bulky (I don't like the idea of getting a huge chunky case for my sleek iPhone – defeats the whole purpose of the sleekness of the design) ... AND, with a built-in solar charging panel! Imagine, not needing a charge cable when you're out and about for the day!

This really intrigued me. I read on, and determined this product didn't yet exist ... it was only just now being pitched as a concept, and was in development – the guys who envisioned it were going through a site called Kickstarter to e-Panhandle for funds.

The way Kickstarter works, you convince them your idea is legit and sane. You have done your due diligence, and you have a good idea (business plan) for how much it'll cost to take your idea from concept to production to finished product, ready for punters to buy.

If all this seems realistic to Kickstarter's gurus, they launch your plea for funds (here's the e-Panhandling part). You agree on a set dollar amount you need to get it all happening, and Kickstarter promotes the hell out of it, asking net-izens for 'donations'. People like me discover the campaign when other sites like Gizmodo catch wind of it, and mention it.

There is a time limit for the e-Panhandling project, and after you hit the deadline, if you don't make the nut in $ donations, your project is cancelled, and none of the donators get charged.

If the donation benchmark is achieved, it's a go – and for your donation, you get something. There are a number of donation levels, with one level being close to what a brand new case will cost you, once they retail the things.

It's of course a bit cheaper at this level, to make it appealing. So if you pony up the $100 for a donation to the cause (in this iPhone case scenario), and IF they make their agreed-on amount in donations (it was $75,000) you get a case (which would ultimately retail for $150) ... a $50 savings, and you feel good about being in on the ground floor of something new and cool.

I thought: "Good deal!" So I donated $100. It was win/win. If they make the nut, I get a case. If they don't, no cost to me. It was a success for these guys ... and very soon, I'll be getting this amazingly cool sounding iPhone case ... they're in the final stages of sending out the new cases to folks like me who fronted up with the $100.

The other side of this e-Panhandling thing isn't so cut and dried when it comes to how much work the original creator puts into it.

Another friend of mine is using a similar promotional website (like Kickstarter) to beg for money to get his novel published. The raised money for this particular scheme is handed over to a professional and established industry 'editor' who also claims to have his finger on the pulse of publishing house decision-makers – and promises to get the finished product on their desks.

Now – there's no actual guarantee the book will get published. But my pal is going through with the idea of trying to raise the $5 K anyway, by e-Panhandling ... in spite of already having been summarily separated from some of his own hard-earned money to have a couple of movie scripts "looked over" by an "industry professional" who promised to "get the scripts onto the desk of the guys who make the decisions".

Yeah – a lot of maybes there, and of course after the money and scripts were sent, no big movie deals were forthcoming. Money wasted, lesson learned? Clearly not.

What are the chances of a big publishing deal ensuing from a first-time novel going to some dude who's got his hand out waiting for his $5 K fee? Sure, he may have some long-ago industry cred from an editing standpoint. But who can guarantee such a thing as getting published and marketed after that? He doesn't work for the publishing company. He's his own gig, an editor. That's it.

But not only that ... I'm concerned that my pal seems far too eager to take the perceived easy route with this e-Panhandling site, and isn't contributing anything himself – money, or, the idea of going to work and approaching the whole project the same way my first friend did ... doing the hard yards, going to work every day.

And no – I haven't donated any money. I strongly feel the $5 K is going to disappear into the coffers of this "editor" and nothing will come of the whole plan of a published and marketed novel.

My pal could have launched his campaign at friends by saying "We've drained the savings and have $XX on loan from the bank to get this started. Now, can you help me reach the finish line with a few bucks? And while I wait for the donations to roll in, I'll be creating a FaceBook and Twitter and YouTube site for the book, and contacting some sci-fi websites and forums ... marketing and promoting the book!"

Nope. It was just "please give me money". No mention of any of his own dough or time.

The key issue (and main difference from my iPhone case scenario) is, first and foremost – the iPhone case was a physical product I wanted, and I'd get one cheaper than buying it later for retail, and it seemed the donation idea was surging along – the creators had done their business plan research, they'd kicked in a bunch of dough already with R&D, and Kickstarter agreed that they were on the right track.

Then there is asking friends to donate, and begging for more daily ... chipping in a cash donation to a pal who hasn't mentioned what he has put in cash-wise is a HUGE ask.

And then there is this modern era of many, many actual charities out there trying to raise funds to save lives ... looking for money to help cure diseases or feed famine-stricken or war-torn or oppressed populations.

It seems to be a massive bit of cheek for someone to come along and beg for some dough for a flight of fancy (pay for my novel to be published!) ... especially with no mention of how much of my pal's own life savings (or a credit loan from his own bank or credit card) is already being risked ... if any.

The first stage of my pal's plan here, with the raising of this money via the e-Panhandling site (and the subsequent begging of friends to front up with donations – the website doesn't seem to have attracted too many other punters from the ether to donate) is primarily to hand the $5 K raised over to this 'established industry editor' to edit, then push the novel on to be printed in a traditional (and outdated, and dying) way. Of course, the publishing company will promote and market the novel (says the editor). But how much marketing will happen? After the 'editor' takes his big fee, how much of that $5 K will be left for marketing and promotion? Even the entire $5 K wouldn't go far for that.

For this first stage of the plan ... the concept of looking to his immediate circle of friends for this portion of the game seems to have eluded my mate.

The circle of friends includes lots of people who believe in his creativity. At least one of these friends (ahem) has 'mad skills' as an editor (both grammatically, and in style/concept/content, as I'm a huge fan of the sci-fi genre). I also have a really good grip on what's needed to 'output' an e-book original manuscript, and how to get said e-book manuscript uploaded to Amazon, iTunes, and other sites (at fairly minimal cost – compared to handing over $5 K to this other dude with NO guarantees of quality or end result as a printed and promoted hard-copy novel).

Other friends in the immediate circle are also fans of the genre (sci fi) and are smart and educated, and could and would – if politely asked – read the manuscript and offer insights, suggestions, and constructive criticism.

Then of course, over and above this initial stage of polishing the manuscript to within an inch of its life and getting it formatted and up on the e-book outlets ... the going to work  part needs to start – the promoting, the Twittering, the FaceBooking, the YouTubing, and the pestering of sci-fi websites with information about the new book.

Get the e-book up and happening, and then once it's selling and gaining fame ... launch printed copies at people who want them, via a print-on-demand service, such as what Amazon provides ... for anyone who might not be into the whole e-book thing.

Sadly the allure of potential easy money (via the e-Panhandling site), without going to work and doing any grassroots promotion of the book ... and counting on all the donations to come from friends with no appearance of fronting up with any of his own money ... may spell failure for my pal.

With less than a day to go for the e-Panhandling site deadline, the $ nut is likely not going to be met.

And so perhaps the whole 'ask your friends for help instead of cash' idea may yet come into play.

Well, Kittens McTavish! I may have been listening to a bit too much Greg Proops ... he does have an element of a "common sense rant" to many of his Podcasts. (And that's a catch-phrase of his, too ... kittens!)

Yours in absurdity ...
Stevil