5 Foot 19: Mystery ninja visits, crazy old men yelling at chairs, and other musings

Who 'dat at mah door?
Some time ago I mentioned I'd been 'drunk dialed' by a woman. I opined that being drunk-dialed by someone keen on jumping your bones was a GOOD thing. Especially when, not long after the drunk-dialing ensues, said bones get jumped.

I still maintain this is so. The bone-jumping did indeed ensue over Xmas and New Years just past. And lo, it was fun.

Now it seems there is another level to this titter-giggle-I-like-you-but-first-I'm-going-to-play-coy behaviour: secret and ninja-like visits to leave stuff at my door.

Here's the rumpus.

Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed my mail (snail mail) has been left right on the door jam of my front door. This is being accomplished by someone, but I don't know who or which girl (I am of course hoping it's an attractive female) – and I know it's not the postie, because no postie goes past a mailbox and walks down steps to leave mail on someone's doorstep.

At first I assumed it was one of the two girls living in the suite downstairs. But then a few days ago I saw the shadow (viewed through the opaque glass of my front door) of my mystery benefactor-ninja going UP the steps and leaving ... and when I wheeled over to the door, there was my mail again. This was the first time I'd caught a glimpse of my secret admirer ... but it got me to thinking a bit harder ...

This was clearly not either of the downstairs neighbours. I reckoned that, first of all, they don't know I'm currently gibbled and not very mobile while I recover from surgery. We're not close friends and only usually say "hi!" when we see each other outside the house. Second of all, the person went UP the steps and left. This was not someone coming home, checking the mail, and dropping mine off as they continued down stairs.

And then I began wondering harder ... who WAS that?

No further clues were forthcoming. And so I plodded on with my day.

Until last night – a KNOCK at my door at 9.30 pm. As I often do when someone knocks, I just shout: "Hark! Who goeth there?" (actually, I shout "Come in!" as I can't be arsed to get into my wheelchair and roll around to the door, especially if someone has decided just to drop by and not call/text me first). Usually, however, visitors/couriers/pizza guys knock on my door on or before 6 pm. Not 9.30 pm. So that was odd ....

However, no one came in, and there were no further knocks. A short while later I rolled around in my chair on a bathroom/new wine bottle/sammich circuit, and decided to peek outside my door.

A small plastic bag with some samosas and fries was hanging off the door knob. They were well packaged and wrapped, and still warm.

So my mail-dropping ninja had graduated to leaving food. No, I did not eat it. While I do like to be drunk-dialed and e-stalked (this has happened via FacePlant) and even drunkenly hit on in bars .... I draw the line at eating mystery food. There's crazy and devil-may-care behaviour, and then there's stupid.

Hmm. Now who was this?

Prior to the knock, I had been drinking and chatting with a friend online, and so immediately announced this latest development, and launched into a guessing game as to which of the several women I know this might be.

Clearly it wasn't the one I was chatting to online. But I started to firm up a suspect list, thinking of who would do such a thing, yet who would NOT follow through and just knock and come in and say hi. And, of course, jump my bones. Or at least be summarily plied by gallons of wine, beer and vodka, and THEN jump my bones.

I decided to send out two texts soon after the knocking and mystery food drop – one each to the two most likely suspects by my estimation and mulling over of the clues (no answer from each, a day later), and I asked a mate of mine (via FacePlant) who knows of another woman who might have done such a thing, but as it was Friday last night, he has not emerged from Hangover Hell yet to check his FacePlant.

The mystery continues into the next day (now). No further clues or visits ... unless she's lurking in the bushes now, watching and waiting. Good thing I don't scare easy ...

Come on out, Mystery Ninja! Or rather, come on in. Free drinks! And of course a willing bone-jumping victim awaits ...

This just in: crazy, senile old man yells at empty chair on TV
By now everyone has seen this disgraceful, awful, terrifyingly stupid and WTF moment: Clint Eastwood humiliating himself at the US Republican National Convention, by taking the stage and shouting at an empty chair.

I love Clint Eastwood for his past track record of providing us with sensationally fun action movies (cowboy, cop) starring him. He has also directed some great movies. He is also a musician and likes and promotes jazz, by making movies about jazz greats, and having cool jazz music in most of his movies.

But now Clint is old. And apparently, senile and crazy. We could see what he MEANT to do – a faux interview of President Obama, without Obama actually being there, in an attempt to look wry and clever. But to do so by ad-libbing some wild, insane rambling stupidity to an empty chair ... no. Just, no. Clint, you looked insane, senile and crazy.

It's time to go lay down and relax and stop showing up in public. Go and enjoy your money while you can, Clint. You're finished. Stop tarnishing the great memories of all your fantastic past successes. You looked STUPID.

InstaGram: the lastest thing that makes me go WTF?
Just a quick note about this latest craze people seem to be using when posting up photos on FacePlant.

Why?

Everything Instagram does to photos are the sorts of things I try to FIX when I see these horrible effects show up on photos without going through Instagram. Why do we need to see current photos with a yellow tint, or have bad, unnatural lighting and unrealistic colour skews, or feature some lame attempt to make them look olde-timey? Please stop.

Shoot first, avoid reality later
I have sounded off for how much I love "The Newsroom". It's a great new Aaron Sorkin show with the usual snappy dialogue and obvious 'wishful thinking' presentation, (like The West Wing was – a fairy tale view of how the US Presidency SHOULD be, not how it really is). The Newsroom shows what TV news SHOULD be like, not the info-tainment with zero relevance or depth or truth that we see on a regular basis. If only ...

Not long ago there was a string of reports out of South Africa, where protesting miners were being shot, and killed, by S. African police. The miners had no weapons, they were just chanting and yelling and protesting. And the cops showed up and gunned a bunch of them down.

This footage was on TV. Of course, no teams of US Military specialists sprang into action and showed up to restore peace, because there is no oil to speak of in South Africa.

Then just yesterday, it was reported that the miners (a group of 130+ of them) who were still alive from the protest shootings are being charged with the murder of their friends and co-workers that the police were filmed killing.

And somehow, inexplicably, the TV news is reporting exactly this! Amazeballs! Let's see what happens next ... likely not much, as no one really cares what goes on in S. Africa, now that Apartheid was defeated. But we never know.

When the lying just gets too overt
Perhaps another positive outcome of The Newsroom ... FOX News reported on their site recently that a speech given by Vice-Presidential hopeful Paul Ryan was full of lies! And, skirted the big issues!

No clue if FOX also reported this on their TV network. Perhaps their "going out on a limb" by printing this on their website isn't really being all that daring ... considering fans of their crazy, right-wing propaganda don't (or can't) read.

Having no end of fun with the lies
Of course The Daily Show is having a field day with all the US Election lies, especially those steaming out of the RNC ... on the day prior to The Daily Show's response to Clint's crazy old senile man chair rant, they had on former RNC Chairman Michael Steele who told the truth about the stack of bullshit the current bunch of Republican hopefuls was spewing.