Here we go again, funsters – my 53rd go at enabling a Yuletide season!
Well sure, I may only remember 50 of these, as not many of us recall the infant-to-age-3 times. OK make it 48 recollections. There were a couple of Xmases in the 90s where Santa may have brought me just a bit too many fun intoxicants ...
So here we go with Xmas 2012. And already the madness is rife! (That's of course IF we make it past this coming Friday, the 21st – if those madcap Mayans were right, we may not have to worry about last-minute shopping. Or, much of anything) ...
The tell-tale signs were upon us weeks ago
There's something about this time of the year that really brings out the Freak Show Superstars. These are the people who don't normally go out in public from January - November. Now, they are suddenly out in droves – standing in stores/shops trying to figure out the whole "look for stuff you might want, buy it, get the hell out of the store" routine. Or standing in the DOORWAYS of said stores, blocking traffic, while they gaze around open-mouthed, trying to figure out which direction to take to continue the idea of going IN to or OUT of the store. Which is it again? Have I shopped?
Or they're standing at the cashier, trying to bamboozle the clerks into ... something ... I stood behind a woman (who clearly went out of her way to come in to the "big city" of Wellington to get her 'shop' on). All I wanted to do was pay for the shirt I had picked out not 30 seconds before (I don't spend heaps of times in stores "shopping" – I go in knowing what I want, and get exactly what I want – and then GTFO*. Time lapsed, maybe 2 minutes, tops. IF there are lots of people to step around).
*(Get the fuck out).
But I wasn't going to be 'getting the fuck out' anytime soon ... this woman had a pile of clothes strewn about the counter. She apparently had some coupons that were out of date. And a credit card that was also just as deceased. Also maybe some money. No one was certain ...
The conversation back and forth between the jackwagon customer and the cashier eventually led to the dead coupons being allowed (and good job on the cashier for allowing the dead coupons – that sped things up a lot, and deflected any potential yelling and screaming and further delays ... and really, who cares if the ducats were dead. They were alive once, and usable. Maybe this loopy woman was a time-traveler who though it was still December 2011) ...
More unintelligible, crazy jibbering from the woman ensued ... something senseless that no one could make heads or tails of. Then – Salvation! The wily and savvy cashier got the woman to agree that if she put back 4 or 5 of the 10 things she had on the counter, she would have 5 things to take home, AND, a $17 surplus (a balance from the previously-defunct coupons) with which to buy something else. She was then encouraged to go shop some more. And wonder of wonders, she buggered off. And I was up next! A smooth transaction ensued, shirt was purchased, I put it on in the change room to wear out, and off I went to the party of the day ...
But I am getting ahead of myself, for this particular day. Just prior to shirt shopping, I'd gotten off a packed bus (half full of the sorts of people who had clearly never ridden on, or perhaps even known about, a bus before ... but I must admit there is some merriment involved with watching someone who finally "gets" they need to pay the driver, then they slowly saunter down looking for just the right seat ... and of course city bus drivers never wait for sauntering people. Drivers always jet off immediately, they have a route to maintain. And sauntering people are sent lunging for hand-holds with shocked looks on their faces ...)
I de-bussed, and two steps into the direction I wanted to go, I heard a commotion behind me. Some lady shouted "Stop! Give it back!", and I turned to see what was up – some scruffy nutbag had purse-snatched a lady, and a nano-second later, half a dozen other pedestrians had jumped on the guy and got her purse back ... and were in the process of forcing the guy onto the sidewalk, to wait for the cops. Quick work! A citizen's arrest in progress, and succeeding! For a moment I thought I'd wait to see if the guy managed to escape, and if he headed my way, I'd clothesline him and make him rethink this whole idea ... but no need. He had been subdued.
This was just one of the many examples of lunatic behaviour I regularly see around this time of the year. Loonies deciding to make a day of being loony in public, in stores and restaurants (do they pack a lunch, and do some stretching first? Are they well hydrated?) ... scumbags and losers out on the grift ... or newbies fresh off the farm, and now on the busses, trying to figure out how they work. (Seriously - adults over the age of 30 NOT knowing how a city bus works?)
So many parties, so little time
A really cool thing about this time of year is all the parties – office parties*, friends having shindigs, other sorts of organised get-togethers. And now, all of the craft-beer pubs are coming up with interesting ways to lure us funsters and beer swillers in.
* (Not MY office however. As a government operation, they of course panic at the needless or stupidly perceived things, while at the same time, ramble and wobble about in a heedless blur about stuff that actually matters. So this year's needless stupidity is: What if the media finds out about us having an Xmas bash funded by the bosses? Why, all hell will break loose! Dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA!)
So there's fun afoot in all the spots around town that serve up food and drink. First, a quick mention about hotels or restaurants that don't really know what they're doing when it comes to serving people meals, or drinks ... after the purse-snatch and shirt-purchase incidents, I was off to meet my friend Alex. She'd invited me to her book club's Xmas party, in a hotel conference room.
Now the restaurant industry here in Wellington is pretty full-on. There are lots of places to eat, and every cuisine imaginable. (A recent study claims we have more eateries per capita than New York City, or San Francisco). And it's pretty self-regulating for bad food/service. Bad food or service always means you're going to fail, and spectacularly.
If you open up a place because you think "Gee wouldn't running a restaurant or bar be great fun!", this is NOT the first and only reason you should do so. Knowing something about the game, and, having experienced people in key positions like host/hostess, bartender, wait staff and cooks is pretty crucial.
This hotel for the book club party had none of these fundamental bases covered. We asked the bartender to start us individual tabs, and it was as if we'd ask her to quickly set up a Large Hadron Collider right there and then. Once seated in the conference room/eatery, similar confusion ensued amongst the wait staff regarding simple queries. And then of course the food was sub-standard. At least it wasn't pricey – and when we eventually got the wines and beers, they were of course good. Hard to screw those up.
A new hook the bars have figured out
There's nothing like being part of a fun new idea to augment free or low-cost drinking! And the pubs here have a new game in play – they invite one local brewer in to "take over" all the taps, and then the general rabble (me) are invited in to partake at less than usual prices (with of course free samples on offer for any you don't know about, or you pretend to not know about).
This is a fair bit of fun. I went to one last week for Epic beer (at the Malthouse), and tonight it's one at Bin 44* for Garage Project's lineup of high-octane ales and pilseners. Another fun place here (Hashigo Zake) features "New Release Tuesday" every week – as the name implies, something new from one of the local mad brewers will be on offer. Usually we get a freebie to start. Last night was no different; a weirdly concocted lager-type thing that involved being processed with truffles and who knows what all else, and it topped out close to 9% in strength. It was excellent. I of course had two. And possibly more.
*(Kudos to Bin 44 – this is a new drinkery, on the waterfront in what was previously just a café ... taken over by a fellow Canadian, a friendly east-coaster to boot! He wisely fronted up with a great lineup of local craft beer on tap [and in the fridge in bottles]. He also likes "da blues" and so the music's always good. And it's on the waterfront. So it's all good).
Tonight's a 'customer appreciation' session at Bin 44, featuring beers from Garage Project, the brewery located in my 'hood*. It will likely be no end of fun ... making Thursday at work a bit of a struggle. But it's all worth it, in the end.
* (Ooo! I just found out in the middle of writing this, that Garage Project (a brewery) is going to finally have a "Cellar Door", which is a winery term for having a room where drinks are served. This is a fancy way of calling it a small pub. Prior to this, all they did was make beer and distribute it to other pubs.
I have often mentioned this to the folks involved with the brewery when I see them at beer fests – why shouldn't a brewery be allowed to have a Cellar Door so you can wander in to "sample" their wares? And then sample more? And still, more? So it seems this WILL come to pass, early in 2013! Yay for me – as Garage Project is in the 'hood where I live).
As for all the other madness ...
I'm not going to give the toolbag who shot up the school in the US last week any more free advertising by naming him. But mention should be made to certain acts of heroism that came out of that. Lots of kids died, and adults, but a few teachers sprang into action (at the cost of their own lives) to hide kids and save some of their lives. Well done.
Now to fix the problem. Sadly, much like the blind rage that seems to fuel so many people in Middle Eastern countries – the sort of madness that binds them as True Believers to the cause of blowing shit up for their religion – many Americans have that same perceived "right" burnt and bred in the bone, about owning guns.
If the Obama administration tries to take away their guns (aka: penis extensions) there could well be civil war. Because these maniacs are True Believers.
And of course mental health care is non-existant in the US, unless your crazy AND rich AND want to get help. But few crazy people are, or do.
Lots of theories abound for how to fix it. Except you can't fix or legislate "broken" people – and that's exactly the sort of creature that does this, mass-shootings of helpless children. These people are fucked up from square one. Can't fix them, can't make a law that says "no guns for you, you crazy bastard!" Because – well, they're crazy.
And there's no 2nd Amendment reason to have one – because no 'Tyrant' has ever been overthrown since that Amendment was written.
And the few terrorists who have succeeded in attacking the US on its own soil did so because they were clever, organised professionals who outsmarted all the people in the CIA and FBI and NSA and the US military combined ... so no rag-tag band of overweight, uneducated, redneck rubes and hicks with guns would make any difference in a 9/11 situation, or during the previous attack on the World Trade Centre.
A sad score indeed.
So there's no telling what can be done. The current ease of being able to get a gun in the US, and the resulting heavily-armed American populace, is just a hell of a lot of stupid, incompetent people (and a fair number of complete lunatics) with no skill or control over using a firearm. Sadly, they THINK they're all READY to use that firearm, because they can plink a tin can at 20 paces, and have seen all the episodes of "24". But how would all these bad-ass wanna-bes actually fare?
The answer: Badly.
There are only a few professional humans on earth who can use a gun properly (trained special forces military people). They are the ONLY ones – the ones who practice shooting daily, and work through possible combat scenarios, and who know all about anticipating situations ... and besides having the skills, fitness and education, they KNOW what damage weapons can do in a lunatic's hands ... or in just some damn pathetic, scared, zero-confidence fool's hands, who bought a gun "just because".
But what if the Mayans are right?
Then the whole gun issue will be moot, and this will indeed be the last edition of 5'19". But you won't care. You'll be dead. Along with everyone else!
I'll continue with my usual M.O. either way (which is: have fun).
I'll have maximum fun on the 21st, and if what I suspect happens – nothing – I wake up on the 22nd saying "ouch" to a sore head.
And once again, some mis-translated fairy tale from long ago has proven to be wrong. Again.
Let's see what the rest of this Yule season has to offer in absurdities! I'll be off work and ON HOLIDAYS (instead of in hospital for a change!) and tooling around New Zealand with my Canadian friends Jo and Ian. I won't be back to work until Jan. 24. What a concept! Finally getting to enjoy my actual Annual Leave!
Peace, in absurdity
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