Bits 'n bites

Random neuron firings
It's the Saturday before Xmas and I'm home chillin', listening to some tunes (new and old). It occurred to me there may have been a few absurdities (if not atrocities!) I missed mentioning this year.

So I'll list a few here as I drink coffee (and then wine), and groove to the tunes. (Currently playing: Drive By Truckers, Oddities & Rarities).

Tough enough yet?
How long do folks need to stand in the torture chamber and take the beatings and whippings and general abuse? Some may say: "Wow that proves you're tough!" Not many would, though.  Far more people would opine: "What the fuck is wrong with you, you toolbag?"

There are a few people in my orbit who seem to think that being buried under a ton of snow and sub-zero temps – for 6 months of the year – means you're smarter, tougher and more elite than anyone else (yes, I see you, family and friends in Canada...)

To quote Austin Powers in Goldmember: "How about NO, you crazy Dutch bastards!?"

It's a ridiculous climate to live in. You're not impressing anyone. It only makes us laugh harder.

Claims of: "But it's beautiful!" aren't fooling anyone. You stand inside your house and take photos of the snow piling up and whipping around. Then you send said photos on to me (and other sensible people living in places with a tolerable climate) and say: "See! See how nice it is!"

Well – you're not OUT in it. You're inside your house, safe and warm, NOT dressed in the 6 layers of clothing you'd need to survive outside, and NOT enduring the actual frozen brutality. Which is precisely what I'm doing, in my house – well,  I'm looking at your photos (same view you have), but that's as far as "sameness" goes.

When I'm done looking, I can get up and stroll outside in my shorts and a t-shirt and gaze out at the magnificent view I have ... feed the parrots or admire all the other birds flapping around ... work on my tan ... or I could mosey on down to a seaside patio and have some drinks outdoors ... or I could go for a bike ride.

Whereas you – can either stand there like a cretin, staring at snow falling for hours, in your safe warm house ... or you go sit on a couch and drink and try some serious self-affirmation that this is a good way to live.

So what's so good about where I am?
Good question! But first a preamble: not long ago I had a good chat with my pal Mike in Toronto. We were trying to think of the 'perfect' place on the planet to live. The necessary provisos:

• Had to be 1st World (so that jobs, modern health care, sanitation and decent food were readily at hand)
• Obviously not war-torn
• No place where a new language (total lack of English) was necessary to master, to get along easily 
• Good climate (no regular, expected dips below 10º C, or above 27º C – so not Canada/Russia [any place north of the 49th parallel], anything close to the equator, or Aussie*)
• No regularly anticipated natural disasters (monsoons, hurricanes, tornadoes, snowstorms)
• No crazy, bloodthirsty-based political or religious systems, where the country was either regularly in imminent danger of being attacked (eg: Middle East), or, regularly went out into the world and made a nuisance and menace of itself (clearly the USA and its oil-driven 'world police' antics)
• Relatively stable economy (this eliminates much of Europe, and South and Central America, sadly)

*(Australia's out for two reasons: they're the opposite of Canada for temperature extremes, with Oct – April being 30º + (and often into the 40s). Any country with a climate featuring temperatures that force you indoors for heat OR cooling to survive is no good. And Aussie has a serious fresh water issue. 

Canada's summers are problematic – in the places where it's tolerable to live (say Halifax in the east, or Vancouver on the west coast), the summer temps don't last long enough. You're lucky if you get two months of good weather. Anywhere else in Canada where the culture and fun could make the cut (Montreal, Toronto) it gets heinously humid and hot. And there's nowhere else in Canada worth living).

It turns out there is no one place that covers all the bases, due to the #1 concern: climate. To be truly happy, we'd have to be well-off enough with our incomes to live in two places, minimum.

So, where are these two places?

Number one: New Zealand, from the months between October – April. Specifically Wellington, or the Hawkes Bay area. Wellington has the edge for more employment potential.

Number two: This is a tough one. Geographically, San Francisco would be good. But it's the USA, and the whole 'world police' thing (and being a big terrorist magnet because of that) eliminates that idea. Spain, Greece or Italy would be good, but the wobbly economy takes them out of play. South Africa? Still a bit dicey due to politics/racism issues. Japan? Crowded, and the language issue.

We thought perhaps Austria or Germany could work for the Northern Hemisphere summer months – strong economies being key there. The language issue might be a bit of a struggle, but, English is relatively common with the newer generation. Norway or Sweden were also considered, but Sweden's heavy taxation is a deal-breaker. So, it's down to either Norway, Germany or Austria from May – September.

(Now playing: The 101ers, Joe Strummer's band before The Clash. Earthy, gritty, raw, energetic.).

So I'm set for perfect living conditions from October – April, here in Wellington. The other half of the year isn't terrible under any category though: it's never annoyingly cold, but certainly it's not as nice as spring-summer-early fall here. It's a minor thing to endure. Yep, we get earthquakes. But not all the time. The really big destructive ones don't happen much at all, and modern architecture in the big cities means we can take a pretty serious pounding before massive death and destruction ensues. 

If all things were perfect, I'd make enough money to make Austria or Norway my home for the May – September period.  

But as things stand now, Wellington is the most perfect spot to live for me. There's nothing that raises a cause for concern – like hideous long-term climate for half the year, stupid politics, racism or religious issue, or other countries that want to kill us – that makes it bad in any way.

The fun increases at exponential rates 
There hasn't been a day in the last couple of weeks where I wasn't out having fun with friends in pubs around town.

NZers (at least, Wellingtonians – we won't get in to the grim scenario of what's involved with being an Aucklander) go out a lot, most times of the year. I leave work any day of the week and stroll to one of any number of bars within a 10-minute walk from my office, and they're pretty full from 5 pm onwards. Not just Fridays – I'm talking any day of the week. This is one of the first features about New Zealand that struck me as fantastic ... no one goes out midweek in Canada or the USA. It's a wonder how bars and pubs can survive there, when their only 'big' nights are Friday and Saturday.

Now it's Xmas – and the folks are really mobbing up the pubs. Many people are already on their holidays; others (like me) don't seem to care that we're drinking on a 'school night'. There isn't much work being done in most offices around town, this close to Xmas. And fun, of course, is always more crucial.

(Now playing: John Cale, a best-of compilation: Seducing The Door).

Last night we decided to spread the drinking wealth around, with a trip to The Hop Garden, one of the first craft beer pubs in town to spring up. It's not a usual haunt, as it's just off the beaten path where all the other places are so close together ... a whole extra two minutes on the bus.

The place was buzzing, groups of friends congregating (and a few office parties) were well under way from 5 pm. A brief stop into Hashigo Zake just before this (leaving work at 4.30 is a fun option!) found some people who'd been up to their "works' party"shenanigans  from about noon onwards. Perma-grins and loud-talking abounded, with a lot of daylight still to go.

There is something daring, and cheekily fun about being blitzed in the middle of an afternoon ... that would otherwise be a normal, stodgy work day – especially considering places like Canada and the USA don't get these opportunities. North America just doesn't seem to 'get' this fun culture thing we have going here (as does Aussie, and the UK, and Germany, and France, and ... well you get the idea. Loosen up, America and Canada!)

We work hard most of the year, and just getting a few days off over Xmas and New Years is NOT 'just reward'. Neither is only having two weeks of annual leave.

Most gigs here give workers two weeks off over Xmas. And the days leading up to the holidays will often feature gatherings like this – afternoons off for the sanctioned office party, or half-days taken off by us, the proletariat, from our wonderful FOUR WEEKS OF ANNUAL LEAVE that everyone gets here, standard.

There is a lot to be said for fun, and the freedom and opportunity to have it. It makes for happy worker-bees, and those of us who are cogs in a bigger machine.

(Now playing: Baroness, The Red Album – heavier rock).

Assholes do vex us
Now, in the Seriously, WTF? department ... following on from the heinous shootings of children and adults at a school in the USA last week, we now have deranged, broken, savage sub-humans calling in similar shooting threats to other schools. And of course every threat has to be taken seriously ... but then of course there is the overkill (pardon the irony) aspect of the over-reaction in some places. My friend Amy in Michigan reported that some schools were not only taking the threat of another possible murderous rampage by some monster seriously ... they included the ludicrous possibility of the Mayan 'end of the world' as possible too.

Hell, why not add the potential for zombies, or an attack from a bunch of mean outer space aliens, or Godzilla suddenly turning up to wreak havoc?

How do jackwagons consistently manage to end up in charge of making any kind of important decision?

And then of course there's the NRA in the US, piping up, in a much-anticipated statement that many hoped would be something sensible from this bunch of penis-extension nuts (sorry, gun advocates).

Ha ha.

Central to the NRA's big statement about how to fix things were:
(1) Legislate it so all schools become gun-free zones [of course, maniacal murderous sub-humans will obey laws!] ... and, place trained armed guards in all schools. Yeah, nice up-front display demonstrating it's all fallen apart, and the only way to deal with things is have people ready to blow away other people who might show up to blow away the kids and teachers. Hey, make it simpler: how about these armed guards all wear shirts that say: "We don't have ANY idea what we're doing"! and;
(2) Much of the problem with whackos who take up guns and embark on crazy slay-fests is due to violent video games. Yeah, and once we legislate these awful video games from being made, we can concentrate on dealing with the millions of people who are out wantonly fucking in public, because they watch porn.

(Now playing: Bobby Womack, a best-of compilation. One of the smoothest soul-men of the 60s and 70s).

Now I'm going to eat something, and settle in to watch Taken 2, starring Liam Neeson. Then, can someone call the authorities and have me locked up? Because after seeing this movie, I'm clearly going to snap, then run out and kidnap a bunch of innocent people, shoot and kill some more, and run around screaming and behaving in a decidedly 2-dimensional drug-and-violence fuelled criminal fashion.

Yours in absurdity,