Behind the curtain

There comes a time with every scientific setup when the general public needs to know what's going on behind the curtain.

You know, to assuage any fears that we might be working on something so totally evil, so completely heinous, that everyone would be in mortal danger.

Be assured, gentle shareholders. We aren't up to THAT level of no good. Not yet, anyway! (Pause for the general laughter to subside). 

Here at 5Foot19 Labs™, we aim to please. The Faithful (our loyal shareholders and readers) need to know just what the rumpus is here.

For those of you who don't know, 5Foot19 Labs™ is a wholly-owned subsidiary of StevilStEvil, Inc.®. 

This is a rapidly-growing scientific endeavour that will soon be global in scope. Established some time in the early '80s at Humber College in Toronto, Ontario, Canada (exactly when remains a foggy, unattainable detail ...), the scope of both StevilStEvil, Inc.®, and 5Foot19 Labs™ is, of course, world domination ... of the good, fun kind, of course.

Please don't confuse us with those amateur bumblers Pinky and the Brain. We're far more organised, and way less bumbling that those clowns. Plus we have the swagger, and we make this look good.

Our successes here at 5Foot19 Labs™ this past quarter have been myriad. We now have the brewery, distillery and winery operations running at 98% capacity. This is just managing to keep up with the ongoing intake/demands of the 5Foot19 Labs™staff.

A professional bartender was hired two months ago, and she seems to be handling the crazy, 24/7 schedule (not to mention the wildly surprising demands and "on location" needs) of the staff.

We are, however, still searching for a house band. The ink was almost dry on the contract we had with The Pogues, but it was then discovered that lead singer Shane McGowan had been ousted from said band for being too much of a drunk. While that sort of achievement is admirable, we wonder if Mr. McGowan is indeed still alive. That is an almost unmeasurable level of magnificence.

Tenders are once again open, and all applicants will be considered.

Meanwhile, those young upstart geniuses over at StevilStEvil, Inc.®'s R&D Division have been up to the usual "no good", and "top speed fun", as those wacky kids like to say.

Following the raging success of developmental technology like the "Find my goddamn beer already!" app for both iPhone and Android, and the laser-sighted "Deep-fried-cheese-ball-into-your-mouth remote launcher" (which boasts a target accuracy of ± 98% at 100 meters), R&D is currently working on some more top-secret things to continue to "better improve your evil leisure time", they say.

I don't badger them for too many details; they have their fingers on the button of some serious technology in there, and both they and I know it wouldn't take much to unleash all sorts of maniacal (yet fun) hell on me if I got too pushy. They pretty much have a license to go "carte blanche" on the world, at their whim.

The R&D kids can also bask in the glory of the multiple awards they took home for that smartphone app. Let's face it ... how many times have you found yourself stumbling around your home, wondering where you put your beer? You know, you just had the thing in your hand. Well, this wee app eliminates all that time-wasting frustration!

Our field operatives have been having a banner year, too. In Burlington, Special Evil Agent and Beer Store Guy Don Redmond continues to undermine and usurp all things normal and politically correct with his blog Brew-Ha-Ha. Check it out ... if you dare. And in the Oshawa zone, Special Evil Agent and Pizza Dude Glenn Hendry maintains his cloak of skullduggery with his blog, 'Shwa Stories.

Other junior operatives like Rob Martin in Rotorua, New Zealand (lurking behind his secret identity as Dairy Farm Apprentice) and Pete Bell (aka "Rebel Cat", who operates out of both London and Sarnia, Ontario) continue to fight the good fight, having evil amounts of fun at all costs.

We at 5Foot19 Labs™look forward to an equally-prosperous and wildly amusing 2nd half of 2013, with the usual shenanigans and carryings-on boiling over well into 2014, before most people are over their New Year's Eve hangovers.

And finally, always keep in mind the StevilStEvil, Inc.® slogan: We are the good, FUN kind of evil!

Yours, in evil absurdity,

This is only a test: Ireland Irish Hot Redheads, Scottish Scotland Hot Redheads, Welsh Wales Hot Brunettes, Hot Czech Babes.