Today's forecast: Insane responses to weather

Weather.

It's the most crutchy of things to lean on for something to say when in an elevator with another person. Good, bad, whatever sort of climate conditions ... that 30-second lift ride demands someone say SOMETHING. Why not comment on what's happening outside? Quick n' dirty ... and everyone can rapidly agree. For the most part.

Then there is the visual impact of weather.

I love watching how people react – and dress – for the weather here in Wellington.

On any given day, if you looked out a window on a main street, it would be virtually (literally!) impossible to determine what the weather was like. This is because the people here are out of their minds about how to dress for the weather.

Looking at a group of any 25 or 50 or so people on a city street, you would think perhaps they'd all escaped from an asylum. Of the entire group, there may in fact only be ONE who is dressed correctly for the conditions of the day. The rest ... hoo, boy. Get the net!

This is a two-tier bit of insanity.

(1) The locals – Folks here have a whole different idea as to what is "cold". As a Canadian with molasses and maple syrup for blood, I can take most weather here down to the odd 10º C day in "winter" (as they call it), and get by with just a light jacket, or no jacket. I'm most often in shorts, too. Once the weather crosses the +14º C threshold, it's light shirts and shorts for me.  However ...

Kiwis think anything under 20º C but above 14-15º is "cool". And will dress accordingly ... so upon glancing out a window on a day that is 18º C, I will see a few people in shorts and singlets (likely "Gringos", and most likely, Canadian or someone from a similarly nordic climate) ... and, right next to them, people in heavy jackets ... and yes, even gloves, and hats. And sweaters. And scarves.

Am I to assume the shorts/singlet people are crazy, Canadian, or both? Or are the folks with the layered Inuit look bananas?  Or is it really horribly cold out? Well ... it certainly never is 'cold' here. For me.

After 11 years here, I discovered I am quite safe in assuming that anyone bundled up in layers, hats and gloves is a great big giant mewling baby ... with either NO metabolism to speak of (mostly dead!) , or, has the metabolism of a Sahara Desert rattlesnake, which requires it to be a bare minimum of 30º C and sunny for it to be out in public ... anything lower than 30º, it's too cold and it slinks away and hides.

Presumably, in a fully-fired kiln.

(2) Gringos – AKA visitors from other countries ... they are no help either, unless I know that the one I'm seeing is in fact Canadian.

Because Canadians, as mentioned, can take cooler weather in stride (from 10–20º C, without dressing like the Michelin Man). Canadian males, in general, dress properly for most weather.

However ... if said passers-by are Australian, they are even worse at being whingy about cooler weather than Kiwis. They are in fact human rattlesnakes, and require it to be a minimum of 30ºC before they might even consider wearing shorts. To get an Aussie to admit they're hot, it has to be at least 40º C, and they have to be under a really big magnifying glass, on fire.

The same can be said for anyone from Southeast Asia (including India), China or Japan. Or the southern USA, Mexico, Central American, South America, and of course all the Euro countries that get hot.

While these countries are hot most of the time, Asians seem to have thinner blood/lower body fat, and find temperatures below 30º C "cool". Once below 20º C, it's "polar". If it dips below 10º C – they don't even come outside.

They are hunkered down around that fired kiln, with the rattlesnakes.

Crossing over a seasonal threshold

The sudden and dramatic change from a nice day (18º) and a fantastic day (22+º) catches many Kiwis unaware. Or, aware that it's indeed nice out ... but they seem confused as to how to react, or dress.

Like the rainwear story below, the shift to weather that's fantastic seems to bewilder and befuddle a lot of folks here. On a brilliant warm sunny day, we still see many Kiwis in long dark layers of woolen fabric ... coats, jackets, burkhas ... clearly sweating, yet not understanding you can take some of that shit off! 

Or read a weather report before you leave home, and dress accordingly.

Also mind-boggling is the equation comparison:

A sunny day @ 25ºC = lots of people attired in the proper summer wear, yet;


A cloudy day at THE SAME TEMPERATURE = people in longer, heavier clothes, jackets, and burkhas. And they have that shifty, panicked look in their eyes, like they're thinking about fired kilns.

Other weather

A rainy day is the next best amusing thing to witness here.

I have a raincoat.

It is a light Gortex© one ... not polar-strength warm at all. It gets worn occasionally in winter.

But if it's raining in summer here, I might as well not wear it, as I will sweat like a malaria-infested jungle rot victim with the thing on – the end result being, I will be just as soaked as if I got rained on.

Only, it'll be my own sweat.

If I'm to be soaked, I'll gladly take "rain" over "hog sweat" any day ... and so will my friends and co-workers.

So I bust out the raincoat only on "winter" days, when I'm relatively safe from basting in my own juices for a few minutes ... until of course I get on a bus being driven by a Pacific Islander, an Asian, or a female of any race. They will have the bus heaters on full, which turns the bus into a rolling blast-furnace of a sauna, steaming and reeking with the putrid sweat of humanity.

What Kiwis wear when it's raining is ... hilarious. Here in Wellington, locals are thankfully too wily to be carrying umbrellas (the occasional wind gusts of legend here quickly turns brollies into modern works of avante-gard art). However, I have noted many Kiwis wearing parkas (with fur trim!) in the rain. In all seasons, including summer.

Noted for NOT being waterproof, parkas (with fur trim) do have the amazing ability to absorb up to 10 times their weight in water. And so many Wellingtonians can be seen dripping and oozing water in streams from over-saturated parkas ... and, from the fur trim. Weaker individuals seem ready to collapse under the water-sodden weight.

Guys who wear suits to work will often have a cotton or wool-style heavy overcoat to wear when it's "cold" ... and this is their go-to garment for rainy days as well.

These coats also absorb up to 10x their weight in water ... and are also an amusing vision to behold, when said jacket wearers have been walking in the rain for a while. A previous flatmate of mine did that constantly here ... a 20-minute walk home from work in the rain turned his long wool coast into a 100-lb workout weight. And, he was soaked to the bone. Double bonus for mocking fun!

Now, onto sunshine, and warmth (+ 20º C) ... and what else needs to happen to get Kiwis into proper summer attire?

Well the only Kiwis I care about here are the good-looking female ones. And as it is in most countries, for a woman to dress in proper,  revealing, sheer, summer-like attire (and to NOT dress in jackets, long dresses, heavy woolen garments, burkhas, beekeeper costumes or full-length chemical spill suits, etc), the weather has to be:

• Windless ... in fact, for some, it has to be negative-windy. If that's possible.
• Sunny, without a cloud in the sky.
• Minimum 25º C (but more likely if it's 27 or 28 minimum).

If these three stipulations are met ... boys, get your ass out the door and prepare for endless visions of excellence, soft porn and high art ... featuring the female body, cheekily, sexily, alluringly presented in most of its potential glory. 

If any of these three criteria isn't met, there shall be no sundresses ... no mini-skirts, no shorts, no thigh-length yet sheer skirts with a cheeky slit up one side ... no sheer tops, no sporty, form-fitting singlets or tube tops. No low-cut blouses, or any sort of almost-lingerie-like attire being passed off as proper clothing ... ... ... 

And under THOSE sorts of disheartening, spirit-crushing conditions, I resign myself to a darkened pub and hope for all things to be aligned perfectly tomorrow ...