What's the frequency, Kev?

Radio.

How the fuck does it work?

Marconi and Tesla figured it out back in the 19th century (albeit simultaneously, from opposite sides of the Atlantic). My money's on Tesla being the actual first, he seems way cooler and almost magical with some of the other stuff he had brewing in the lab ...

Anyway.

This question – "How the fuck does it work?" – is one we might ask in awe and amazement of the inventors of the Large Hadron Collider. Or dudes who do thermonuclear physics. Or string theory proponents (although my cats seem to have a firm grasp on that).

But we should not need to ask this of radio.

Why?

Because radio is not super-big-complicated, brainy mo-fo's-in-lab-coats-cool-techy-type science.

It's been around for a long, long time. People who broadcast radio ... and the makers of radios ... seem to have this down pat.

Except here in Wellington.

Unless I missed the memo about Wellington's unique geography, where the earth's crust does some weird counter-geo-stationary orbit thing, where it spins one way and the actual rest of the earth spins another ...

... WHY is it that I cannot get an FM radio station to stay locked in on my clock radio?

(And for that matter, how does the strength and clarity of a Vodafone cell phone signal change and flicker and go up and down WHEN I'M STANDING PERFECTLY STILL?)


Anyway, let's stick to the radio thing here.

Here's the rumpus.

I need to wake up in the morning to get to work.

I like to do this with a bit of music and information about shit that might be going down, outside.

So, I tune in a radio station on my clock radio. I pick a moderately tolerable station (ie, the music doesn't fill me with the burning hate of 1,000 suns, which would cause me to propel out of bed and beat my radio to dust ... nor is it the most fantastic music ever, which would cause me to stay in bed and continue to slumber and be happy about the tunes ... thereby missing work).

The goal here is to have some OK music, presented by some not-completely-barking-mad morning crew, with intermittent information about what I might face should I stumble to my front door and open it ...

Rain? Solar flares? Zombies? Dinosaurs? Jazz Chickens? Inquiring (sleepy) minds need to know!

So I lock in a station. It meets my criteria. It sounds clear. I then set my alarm, taking great care to NOT change the settings or bump the dial. I'm good to go!

Or ... am I?

Fast-forward to 6 am the next morning, the alarm goes off, and I'm greeted with War Of The Worlds-level static and screeching. The station isn't even CLOSE to being tuned in.

I fumble with the dial. No joy there ... the thing cannot be tuned in for love, money, or a Jazz Chickens greatest hits CD.

So in disgust I flick the radio off and look out the window, expecting perhaps a lightening and thunder storm has caused this terrible situation.

But no ... mine eyes are greeted with sunshine. Clear skies. Moderate winds.

While these conditions regularly seem to completely flummox and wreak havoc on the commuter train system in and out of Wellington, causing trains to break and tracks to buckle and conductors to go insane and start knifing people ... why should such perfect climate cause the radio stations to fail to come in clearly? Why has this changed from the previous evening when it was tuned in perfectly?

How the FUCK does it work?

I get similar results from experiments where I awake to a rainy or cloudy day, or a howling rainstorm. Except sometimes, during a howling rainstorm, or wind, or even sun ... the reception is PERFECT.

What ... the ... fuck?

Are the broadcast towers here mobile, and constantly floating around to different locations? Is it Space Aliens jamming our signal, cutting us off from the all-important traffic report? Does the cacophonous racket of an entire Jazz Chicken orchestra play hob with the signal?

I've been looking for a new station recently, as MoreFM has suddenly and dramatically changed its format entirely, having fired most of its usual not-quite-barking-mad morning crew ... and now they're running the entire country's network from Auckland.

And who the FUCK gives a rat's ass what some idiot Aucklander might be facing each morning? Have they thought this cunning plan through?

We know what is happening in Auckland. Every day. It never changes.

People wake up at 3 am, and start driving – which they need to do, and I'll tell you why, in a second. They are by themselves in their car, because heaven forbid you're such a loser you need to share a ride with someone, even if you're going to the same job. Aucklanders need to get up this early to start driving, because it is 637 km to work.

This is because Auckland is such a travesty of a city for how it's designed, no matter where you live, you are close to NOTHING. No stores, no bars, no parks, no job is ever near where you are. You must drive great distances in dense traffic to get to anywhere you want to go.

So MoreFM is useless now. I need a station that is Wellington-centric.

I've run the gamut attempting to find radio stations this week. Radio Hauraki is hopeless on all fronts ... the morning crew are a bunch of thick, shouting, redneck bogans, and the music is primarily classic rock (which has a time and a place, like when you're sweet-talking some half-drunk bogan chick from the Hutt ... but not at 6 am) ... and most importantly, it just doesn't lock in AT ALL on the clock radio. I tune it in and it's fine ... then as soon as I set the clock back down (taking my hands off of it) it launches straight to taxi-in-a-Manhattan-tunnel static.

RadioActive is a cool station that takes chances and plays interesting local stuff, but for some reason they like to play the craziest, eerie, and most irritating avant-garde crap at 6 am. Plus there doesn't seem to be any actual news that might help me prepare for Zombies at my door ... or an pickup-jam session of Jazz Chickens in the lounge.

The Breeze is too lame, and the national radio station is just some droning drone of a boring guy droning on about something that no one cares about. Like cricket. Or a politician who has been caught with his pants down. Again.

I'm now going to try setting a timer on my computer, so that it sparks up at 6 am, and plays an internet radio station ... but now, the key here seems to be finding one that plays via iTunes. Most radio station websites here seem to have been programmed by the owner's clever nephew Billy, who has his own unique internet radio station player he made himself, that must run in its own window, so as to dazzle you with how blindingly clever that little bastard Billy is.

I did briefly consider having it launch into playing my favourite net radio station, radioparadise.com ... however, it's out of Los Angeles. So that means no local Wellington news ... and I really like the music. So that means I would NEVER get out of bed.

Then I thought about  having it play a song from my massive playlist ... but I like all my music, and once again,  I'm going to go back to snoozing happily as I listen to it.

The solution here is simple. Get back to the fundamental problem ....

Attention radio tower engineers and broadcasting wizards: FIX THIS SHIT!

However, after 11 years here, I'm beginning to think this is an impossible goal.

Like air conditioning in most Wellington office buildings, this seems to be some mystical Holy Grail that no one can find, solve, or work out.

And yet, both radio and air conditioning is NOT rocket science. I've witnessed both work in many other cities on the planet.

Sure, it does require SOME skill. Like breathing, walking upright, and having opposable thumbs so as to be capable of using tools.

I hear they teach these things at community colleges ... you don't even need a University degree.

So how's about finding someone who knows what the fuck they are doing?


OK. I'm up now! Where's my coffee?

Oh look ... Jazz Chickens in the lounge again ... turn it down, you scurvy fowl!